The Keri Croft Show
The Keri Croft Show
Infertility Series, EP-4. Keri Croft opens up about her decade long fight to build her family.
In this episode, I’m walking you through my full story — the highs, the heartbreaks, the hospital rooms, the quiet breakdowns, the Clomid, the IUIs, the IVF, the separation, all the decisions… all of it.
You’ll hear about Jade, Angel, and Hope...the daughters we lost.
You’ll hear how we almost gave up.
And you’ll see how Dane and Kyle came into this world in a way I never imagined, but wouldn’t change for a second.
If you’re walking through infertility, loss, or the brutal in-between where your life doesn’t look how you thought it would… this one’s for you.
It’s raw. It’s unfiltered. And it’s the story I’ve never fully told — until now.
#TheKeriCroftShow #InfertilitySeries #InfertilityAwarenessMonth #1in6 #InfertilityJourney #YouAreNotAlone #PregnancyLoss #realtalk
To learn more about Keri's Dream Surrogate Workshop go to: https://kericroft.com/surrogacy-workshop
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Welcome to the Keri Croft Show. This episode has been a long time coming. For over a decade I've carried this story close to my heart because living it was hard enough. Now, telling it that's a whole different kind of brave. But today I'm finally ready to unpack the full journey, our personal roller coaster through infertility, loss, love and everything in between. It's messy and it's complicated. It's layered with decisions that not everyone will understand, and that's exactly why it matters. I've stayed quiet about some of the darkest chapters, but the truth is silence doesn't protect us, it isolates us, and I know I'm not the only one who's had to fight like hell for a dream that felt just out of reach. There are parts of this story that are beautiful, others are gut-wrenching, some are controversial. All of them they're real. If you've ever had to grieve a version of life you thought you'd have, if you've ever felt like your body, your timing or the universe betrayed you, but you showed up anyway, kept fighting anyway and found a way to write a new ending this one's for you. My name is Carrie and I am the proud mom of Dane, who is six and a half years old, and Kyle, who is 20 months old.
Speaker 1:My infertility journey. You know, looking back on it it's still kind of hard to believe all of the stuff that we went through as a couple to try and build this family of ours. I look at where I'm at now and where our family is now and you can't help but believe that there's a reason for things and a higher purpose for things. But, man, we went through a grind, an absolute grind, to have our family. Our infertility journey started in 2006. Brady and I had just gotten married in the winter and we came off of this incredible wedding and it was so beautiful and everything you could have ever imagined. And we had a honeymoon in Hawaii and I was thinking to myself, wow, does it get any better than this? It was just such an incredibly now that I look back on it innocent and naive time. I just felt like I had gotten everything I would ever have dreamt as a little girl. And I got pregnant really easily and we got married in December and by March I was pregnant. It's funny, I didn't believe it. I was like there's no way I'm pregnant. So there we were, we were on our way to see the gender and I remember this day. It's like branded in my soul and my heart forever. But it was my mom, my husband Brady and I.
Speaker 1:We were in the room waiting for Dr Shepard and I remember kind of jumping up and down, we were trying to get the baby to stir around a little bit and we were joking around. It was obviously a very joyous occasion. It was a joyous moment. You know, you're finding out the gender of your first baby I mean how exciting.
Speaker 1:And Shep dog, as I call her now, walked in, she turned the lights off, put the jelly on my belly and started to do her thing. And you know, as most people do when they're in moments like this, you know you're staring at the doctor or you're staring at the technician and you're looking for any sort of signs of emotion or anything going on, because there's nerves underneath all the excitement going on, because there's nerves underneath all the excitement. And I just noticed her, her disposition changed and she was just staring sort of blank into the screen and so my excitement kind of turned toward like whoa, what, what's going on? And she said you see that that spot right there, that's the baby's brain brain. You know she's missing her cerebellum. I don't even know.
Speaker 1:I think that moment I was in such shock. Um, it was, it was something, and so they took me into a room and they did some other blood tests to kind of figure out specifically what was going on. But it wasn't going to be good. So, brady and my mom and I there's a little bench outside of the doctor's office and I remember sitting in between the two of them and they were both really emotional. I just remember sitting there and I was just kind of them and they were both really emotional. I just remember sitting there and I was just kind of numb. That's a freight train Like that's a freight train that hits you so hard and you're never the same. So we get home.
Speaker 1:The first phone call I made was to my dad and I said something's wrong with the baby. I remember a lot of tears and you know, now you're faced with this decision that no, no one should ever have to be faced with. You don't know if she's going to pass away in vitro. You don't know if she's going to make it out and when she does. It was horrifying, horrifying. And I can remember Brady and I having the conversation. He says what if I was meant to do this? And I remember specifically saying to him I can't do this.
Speaker 1:This is the first time I've really talked publicly about our choice to deliver Angel early. There's just so much to talk about and this is a big conversation, but it's something I do want to come out and say Like we made this choice to deliver our baby early. A woman's right to choose has always been important to me, but I've lived this and I understand the gravity and the just the horrible decision that you have to make and just I feel like that is a woman's right to do that and it's not for somebody else to tell her whether she can or can't. And it was the worst, hardest decision that I've ever had to make. The thing that Dr Shepard I'll never forget her saying to me is you know, carrie, no one knows what they would do in this situation. You really don't, and until you're in that situation, you have no idea. No idea what that's like or what it feels like to be faced with that.
Speaker 1:So we deliver Angel early and all of the emotional, physical turmoil that comes with that you know we dealt with and eventually we ended up. You know it's like okay, time to get back on the horse again and you know there was no real reason to believe that I wouldn't be able to conceive again. But months went by and we started doing Clomid, we did some IUIs, we did everything we possibly could and nothing was working. So we end up delivering Angel at 21 weeks and you know the emotional and physical turmoil that followed. That was intense. I don't think anybody ever prepares you for that situation. I certainly was not prepared, you know, based on the fact that she had such a, she had a genetic abnormality that created these issues. So there was a lot of testing done. They did testing on myself and Brady.
Speaker 1:So there was about a two-week wait and I got a phone call from the nurse and she said you know, your husband carries a balanced translocation. I'm like, okay, I'd never heard of that before. Why would I have heard of that? So then of course, I go into full. You know I talked to him about it. I was actually hoping that it was me, because I I knew the ripple effects of that, the guilt, the shame. You know that was just another layer or complexity that we were going to have to deal with. So I go into research mode. I start looking into what the fuck is a balanced translocation, the genetic things that can go on when you get pregnant are wild and you just don't know, because you don't know A balanced translocation. There are two different types there's a Robertsonian and there's a reciprocal, and basically your chromosomes are normal, all of them add up, but two of the chromosomes sort of flip-flop, but still create equal amounts of DNA on each side. When you go to procreate, though, since those two were switched, then it creates this clusterfuck.
Speaker 1:So we go into the world of IVF, the world of IVF, and unfortunately for me, I was not a big egg producer. We did a couple of rounds of IVF and they just weren't great. So I think I'd gotten maybe six eggs. That's not even a great number, but then when you put the fact that you've got less normal sperm, so, long story short, it was not a great environment to create a normal embryo. So when you're in a situation like this, where you've got statistics that you've got to, you know, get these normal sperm, you have to have a lot of eggs. The more eggs, the more chances the normal sperm hit the egg. So for me, not being a great egg producer and us having this situation, it was not a great environment, clearly, to create a child During this time when things weren't working and my age was creeping up.
Speaker 1:Stress and tension are being created. All of your friends are having children, me just being the sort of relentless action, get things done person. I mean. Can you imagine, you know, with my personality and my makeup not being able to figure out this Rubik's cube? I mean years we had gone to adoption groups, decided that I was not, he was not ready for that. We had looked into sperm donor. That was didn't work out. We took breaks. We went on vacations. That didn't work out. We took breaks, we went on vacations. We tried again. I mean, there's so many different ways. We tried to get back on the horse, but nothing, nothing was working.
Speaker 1:And, luckily for me, I have always been a business person. I've always had this drive and ambition to grow a business or businesses, and so I was able to throw myself into, at the time, corporate America. And then I took the leap and went and start, you know, built this fitness brand. We had decided like, hey, I don't think this is going to happen for us, and so I basically threw myself into the business I was building and I gave it everything I had and then some. And I think the positive thing from that is that it grew into a really special you know, with the team that we built and everything we were able to do in the community. It grew into a really successful business and community and I was extremely fulfilled by that and I thank God for that opportunity and the people that came across my path at that time and that I was able to become a part of that community and together we were able to create something really, really phenomenal.
Speaker 1:But, that being said, I still had this hole. It just felt like the only way to describe it is it's this dark hole and it feels like this emptiness and no matter what, I just couldn't shake it. And so I went to Bali when I was 40 for my yoga training and I spent 35 days there by myself, in a hut, which was helpful, I guess, and I just remember I was just. You know, I thought I was done, but I wasn't done. And did I always want to be a mother? Yes, I've always wanted to be a mom, but when I would think about us building a family or not being able to build a family, the first vision I would have is Brady with a child on his shoulders walking ahead of me. He's a teacher and he was a coach. Who better to be a father than Brady? And I also knew that he was stuffing. He was stuffing down the know. He was stuffing down the balance, translocation the guilt, the shame us not being able to have kids. You know he was stuffing and we all know what happens when you stuff. You know when you stuff, like if it was a jar sitting here and we could see the jar and I'm throwing cotton in the jar, just keep throwing it in. It looks fine for a while, looks fine for a while, but eventually, all of a sudden, the cotton is going to come up. It's going to come up and it's going to bubble over. And it's the same thing that happens with your emotions. It's the same thing that happens with unresolved shit. It will bubble over.
Speaker 1:I really, really wanted a family for us, for him, for me, for us. I knew he could do it. I knew, with all the research that I did, so many men have abnormal sperm. When I started thinking about it I'm like, okay, this is all statistics, this is all probability. If I had a bunch of eggs and his sperm, we could do this. And then it hit me. I was like, wait a minute, why am I not looking at an donor? I'm totally fine with that. Like I had, I had sat with all of these different options and the idea of never having children for years. So there's no knee jerk reaction here Like this is.
Speaker 1:This was a slow burn over time and when it hit me I was like, oh my God, of course. And when it hit me I was like, oh my God, of course, if I can convince him. So in my mind I had already made the decision like I really think we should do this, we should try to use an egg donor. And of course that sounds crazy and I've never talked about this publicly before until now and I've been wanting to talk about it because it's part of our story and it's very important. But it's a wild thing, kind of similar to surrogacy, right, like you hear about it, and you're like what, what the fuck.
Speaker 1:So I approached him with the idea of getting an egg donor and of course he was like you are batshit crazy. And I was like, well, you know what I might be, but I think this is a great idea. And I was like, at a minimum, it will satisfy my. I had this need and desire to really see that like we could create these normal embryos with his sperm. I mean, I was like it was like this itch I couldn't scratch, but I knew in my heart that if I was right and we were successful, that we would ultimately try to implant said embryo. So I'm like let's just take this one step at a time.
Speaker 1:So anyone who's ever gone through the process of looking for a donor egg or sperm, it's wild. I mean. You question everything. You question when they say truth is stranger than fiction. You're like this is what they're talking about. You go through all these different profiles and you know, I can imagine it being sort of like a dating app, but like 20 times scarier and weirder. So we had gone through, or I had gone through, and I would just show him certain things. I probably went through like I don't know four or five people that I really liked, but then I stumbled across the one and there were a lot of reasons and a lot of things I loved about her and I just felt this interesting connection with her and so the rest is history. So we, we used her and she. Her. Her cycle was very successful.
Speaker 1:We were able to get, I think, at the end of the day, it was probably like 11 or 12 normal embryos and I always knew I was. I was like there's a little boy out there and he's in the universe somewhere and I'm and I'm bringing him home. Um, he's in the universe somewhere and I'm bringing him home. It's like I knew he was out there. It's the strangest thing, it's not the normal way, but the way that Dane came to me to me was like the most beautiful and that I was you, you know, using this crazy process and it took so much courage and belief and it took a lot of things to decide that that was going to be the way things were going to go down. But ultimately too, in my heart, like I was more than okay with it. I was more than okay with it. I don't know, it was otherworldly to me. So, yeah, we used an egg donor and I'm so grateful for the donor. I wouldn't change a thing with him. I wouldn't change a thing with Kyle. You know, would you ever ask for this hard situation? Of course not. Nobody would ask for it. But I would never trade these kids for anything in the world. You know, I don't know. I'm just so, so grateful.
Speaker 1:When I got pregnant with Dane, I was so like. It just felt so right, I was so excited and everything was in place and it just felt like we were in such a great spot. Of course, the pregnancy was not without drama. I mean, I'm sure that doesn't surprise you. I'll make a very long story short. I ended up with kidney stones. I was in the hospital. They noticed a short cervix. The alarm bells went off because of my situation so they almost put me on hospital bed rest for the rest of my term. Thank god they didn't. We went home and they watched us very closely, because a short cervix can mean bad situation, which we'll get to in a little bit. But everything, thank god, ended up beautifully with Dane. Delivery was beautiful and I mean just I'm so, so grateful that it ended up the way that it did. Man life can be real tough, but there can be so many beautiful things that come out of it. How many beautiful things that come out of it.
Speaker 1:This journey impacted my mental health significantly. It's going to impact anyone's mental health significantly. It affects your marriage, it affects your relationships with everybody around you and it's very, very challenging to navigate. So my advice for anybody who's going through it would be just do your best, you know, get your game plan together, communicate openly with your partner, give your partner grace and know that they're not going to handle things the exact same way that you are. And if you are in a heterosexual relationship, the male is going to experience this differently than you. It's the way it's designed. I don't know, you know, ask the universe. But they're going to handle themselves differently. So, communicating openly, therapy is so helpful, so important, and it's not a negative thing, it's such a positive thing, it's a proactive thing. Therapy for anyone is important. But when you're going through this, just to kind of have somebody in the middle, just maybe moving your lens over a little bit so you can see a little bit clearer into somebody else's perspective, is a gift. So do it, do it early, do it often.
Speaker 1:My advice for people who are on the outside, on the periphery maybe, who haven't really dealt with this situation, or if you are dealing with someone in your life who is going through this say less. Ask questions gently, but not out of your own weird curiosity more around. How are you? How can I support you? I don't know how you're feeling and I would really love to know, like how could I make you feel better or what could I do to quietly support you, and the answer could be nothing but damn. I mean the fact that you took the time to ask and the fact that you want to take action on my behalf, you know that is so, so incredible. That's such. That's friendship. I mean this goes without saying, but I do feel like if someone's confiding in you with their infertility journey or any journey, keep it sacred. It's not for your phone tree, it's not for your neighbor next door, like it's not for you to be a carrier pigeon to go talk shit about. Oh, I mean, that's not friendship, and if you think it is, you may want to think again. It's not. So hold their story sacred as you would your own.
Speaker 1:There are so many positive things that came out of this experience. For me, it reaffirmed what I already knew about myself, which is I'm brave, I'm confident, I'm strong, I can do hard things. I can take a situation that is less than ideal and sometimes horrible, and I can move through it. It and I can see the other side and find the gifts in it. I mean that type of shit is important in life, no matter what you're dealing with, you know to be able to take a card that life has dealt and say oh well, that card sucks. This card sucks pretty bad, but how am I going to play my hand?
Speaker 1:The situation also made me extremely empathetic and compassionate to other people's plights, the way that I attack a situation. So if I hear something that I've never experienced or a situation that could potentially be something that you would judge quickly or reflexively have an opinion on, the first thing I say to myself is have I experienced this? Have I walked the path that this person is walking? If the answer is no, then I step back and I first of all plead ignorance. I'm ignorant to this. I don't know what that feels like. And then I give grace, because when you are faced with a situation that's difficult, you deserve some grace from people, from yourself especially. And then sometimes I just shut the fuck up. I don't have to have an opinion on everything, and that's something that I'm actually really grateful that I have.
Speaker 1:I have an insane amount of compassion and wisdom around the fact that the human condition can get extremely messy and very complicated, and it doesn't warrant everybody's opinion all the time at all. All the time At all, advice for someone who's considering using egg or sperm donor. So this is something that I, fortunately was able to sit with for a very, very long time and, you know, thought I was never going to have children and I mean just really took my time with all of that. So by the time it came to that decision, I was like, oh my God, yes, and I was excited and totally aligned with it and that, I think, has shown through and we're starting to talk to Dane, you know, dropping little bits of information so that he always knows and that Kyle always knows and it's part of their story. You need to feel right with it. You need to sit with it and really feel rooted in the fact that it's the right decision for you, because if it's not and you're sort of trying to like fit a square peg into a round hole your kids are going to know that and ultimately, you know these children grow into adults and if you're not 100% with things, they're going to feel it and so I just take your time with any of that stuff. That would be my best advice.
Speaker 1:This situation impacted my relationship significantly and what I'll say here is it's okay If your marriage is going through a hard time over infertility or anything else, it's okay, it's going to happen. Marriage is challenging. It's two people coming together and living together through everything and just common sense will tell you like you're going to go through some shit. Brady and I definitely had our share of really hard times. We separated separated for a while. I don't want to say too much about our relationship because I don't want to jinx it, but we are in a space today with these kids where I'm like I cannot believe it. I can't believe that we're here and it's so special and I'm so proud of it. I'm so proud of the communication, the honesty, the respect. He is such an incredible the dad that he is is. It far exceeds those visions that I ever had in my head about him being a father. And you know I didn't know it was always going to go that way.
Speaker 1:You know we went through some really hard times and he went through some really hard times individually facing all this. I mean, imagine it. You discover you have this situation that caused an issue with your daughter that you had to deliver early. I mean, what a grind mentally. And then you know your wife's trying to, you know, get you to use a sperm donor or adopt or get an egg donor or use a surrogate. All these things are like wild and are going to impact you mentally. And so, yeah, we went through really, really, really low times.
Speaker 1:And I tell you that because if you are going through a really low time, there's hope. There really really is. You have to work hard and love each other and see yourself through that person's eyes and just be willing to be malleable. And I don't know, fight, fight. You know if something is worth it, fight for it. I just don't think we fight for things enough anymore. Just, you know things that are worth it you have to fight for, so fight, damn it. To fight for, so fight, damn it.
Speaker 1:If you've made it to the end of this episode, thank you Truly. It means more than I can put into words. This story wasn't easy to tell, but I know that somewhere out there, someone needed to hear it. If that someone is you, please know you're not alone. And if this episode moved you, if it made you feel seen, heard or just a little less alone, I would love for you to share it. Tag me on Instagram, shoot me a DM, leave a comment or drop a review. I read every single message and your words remind me why this work matters. You can find more resources, ways to connect and everything on building over at kerrycroftcom. Thank you again for listening, thank you for holding space and thank you for being part of this conversation. And until next time, keep moving, baby. Thank you.
