The Keri Croft Show
The Keri Croft Show
Infertility Series, EP-8: Simi, Melissa, and Molly on Pregnancy After 40, Egg Donation, and Loss
Motherhood doesn’t always follow the plan — and these three women are living proof.
In this episode of our Infertility Series, Melissa, Molly, and Simi share raw, real stories about loss, resilience, egg donation, frozen embryo failure, pregnancy over 40, and building families against the odds.
You’ll hear:
🧡 How Melissa naturally conceived at 43 after devastating losses
🧡 How Molly survived losing 13 embryos — and found hope again
🧡 How Dr. Simi and her wife embraced egg donation to grow their family
We break down fertility myths ("just relax!" 🙄), the toll infertility takes on mental health, and why there’s no one “right” way to build a family.
🎙️ Listen now and share with someone who needs to hear these stories.
And if you want to join our infertility community—head to kericroft.com to sign up for our email newsletter.
#TheKeriCroftShow #InfertilitySeries #InfertilitySupport #InfertilityAwarenessMonth #PregnantAt44 #EggDonation #FrozenEmbryoLoss #1in6 #FamilyBuilding #YouAreNotAlone #ModernMotherhood
Struggling to conceive. Pinnacle Fertility Ohio offers personalized concierge fertility care, expert guidance and a dedicated navigator for support every step of the way. No wait for starting IVF Book now at RGIOhiocom, where families start and dreams of parenthood are realized. Welcome back to the Keri Croft Show. If you've been with me through this infertility series then you know this hasn't been just a collection of stories. It's been a full-on masterclass in what it means to be human. The heartbreak, the hope, the grit and grace. It's all here and today. As we close this chapter, we're going out on a high note, wrapped in gratitude for every single person who's opened their heart along the way.
Speaker 1:This episode it's a love letter to the winding, unpredictable, messy, beautiful roads that lead to family. You'll meet Melissa, who endured the crushing loss of twins but refused to let grief have the final word. She became a mom twice over, the second time, at 43 years old. You'll hear from Molly, whose embryos were lost in a freak lab glitch Can you even imagine but who found her way back alongside her husband, to their miracle, now seven-year-old twins. And finally Simi, an ICU doctor who's used to bringing the weather, steering the storm, but when she and her wife couldn't conceive a second child, they made the bold choice to search for an egg donor and expand their family in a way they hadn't expected.
Speaker 1:These stories aren't here to tie a neat little bow on infertility. They're here to remind you family is built in more ways than one. There is no one single right path. There is only the one path that feels right for you. So if this series has cracked something open in you, if it's made you feel seen, heard or just a little less alone, don't keep it to yourself. Share it, follow the show, leave a review, help someone else find their way here, because maybe, just maybe, this is the conversation they've been waiting for too.
Speaker 2:I am Melissa. I am currently 44 years old, almost 45. I am mother to my daughter Elle, who is six, and my son Michael, who is 10 months. I started trying actively trying to become a mother almost, I guess, 10 years ago. I had three losses prior to the birth of my daughter two miscarriages. One was with twins. My daughter was born. I did not use fertility drugs or anything like that for my daughter and I had her healthy baby girl at age 39. Like that for my daughter, and I had her healthy baby girl at age 39. After her I experienced another loss and went through about a year and a half of working with my OB and a fertility specialist in attempts to become pregnant again. All of those attempts were unsuccessful and I kind of gave up and then ended up pregnant with my son at age 43 and delivered him at 44.
Speaker 2:With my experience personally, I know that every woman and family goes through their own thing, but I do feel that not giving up hope, even when you want to and even when you might have a doctor telling you to, is really important. You know your body and what's right for you and I do feel like I'm living proof of never underestimate what might happen in your life or with your body or with your family, that you know you can be in your mid late 40s and still have very healthy pregnancies, very healthy children. I'm very lucky to have an amazing OB. That was very encouraging.
Speaker 2:Dr Shepard if you haven't heard of her, which most people and women in Columbus I think have is just the most amazing woman doctor or provider. I think when you talk about women's health, she should be the billboard for it. She is just caring, considerate, intelligent strength I mean, she's the tiniest woman you've ever seen and I would put her up against anyone and she has fight and kept telling me not to give up, that you can fight the right pregnancy and you know she said that throughout the losses with my before, my daughter and after, and when I gave up hope, she did it.
Speaker 2:And I didn't believe it was going to work for us. I really didn't. I mean, I think we all go through those times where we're just give up like this. You see all your friends and your family and everybody else walking down the street in the park with children, and it's not you.
Speaker 3:And you just, you know, year after year, you just think it's not going to happen. And she didn't. You know she didn't let us give up and you know I'm so grateful for her and I think that's really important. You can give up hope for a little bit, but just keep finding it and keep trying to find that.
Speaker 2:We had been seeing a fertility specialist and it basically did IUI a couple of times and successfully different medications, different things and it came down to him, you know, basically saying at my age that he felt the only option to have a successful pregnancy would be to use donor egg, and my husband and I at that time didn't want to take that route. We felt that our family was what it was and maybe this is God's way of just telling us we have our healthy daughter. We're good, but always knowing in the back of my mind I still wanted more children and I'll never forget. I went to my consultation with a fertility specialist. Well, it was in my room, it was an online Zoom, and I got off with him and I just bawled. And then I actually had my annual appointment with Dr Shepard like within an hour. It happened to be just scheduled on the same day, so she walks in hey, how are you? Immediately start bawling. And again she said you know, don't give up. If this is what you want to do, don't give up. And she said if you want to try IVF yourself, that's always an option. And I said I think we just need to stop Like, I think we just need to put, at least for the summer, just give my body a break, give my mind a break. And my husband was like we're done and so you know, tmi, but like, after you're trying to get pregnant, sometimes it's not all that fun like having sex. And so there was, I'll say, a lull in our sex life. Like you know, when it's timed and it's planned and it's the pressure, um, so we hadn't even been really having sex and I hadn't been using my app to look at my ovulation and blah, blah, blah, blah. And I mean we literally had sex one time and I don't know how many months.
Speaker 2:And then we were flying to Florida and me, him and my daughter, and it was a morning flight and he was having a drink. He was like have a drink? And I was like I don't really like flying and drinking with my daughter. Just, you know, while I had a drink and I was like you know, I don't feel good, when we got there and I was like there's no way I'm pregnant, there's absolutely no way. And I was like but I'm also going to be here, I'm going to be eating sushi and oysters and, you know, having cocktails, whatever. I'm like I, when I went to the grocery store to get food for the week because we have a condo. I just grabbed a pregnancy test, didn't tell him. I was like I'm not even saying anything to him.
Speaker 2:Well, I took it in the bathroom of the condo and I was literally, I mean, I was shocked. I was absolutely like shocked, jaw drop. And I'm like my daughter was out in the family room and I was like, call my husband in. I'm like hey, come look at this. And he looked and he was like how the fuck did that happen? Like, like, when did that? Even? Like, how could that? How could that happen? I mean, we were both just shocked and so, and then you quickly go from shock to you know, like the fear, the excitement, but also the fear and knowing like the outcomes that have happened.
Speaker 2:And now I'm even older, but yeah, I mean, I'm still. I still am shocked, like I literally look at my baby every morning and just cannot believe he's ours. Even this morning my daughter got him and brought him in the bedroom and she was like, can you believe Bubby's here. And I'm like, no, I can't. Like I think she we like, we talk about it all the time she always, you know, always would ask about a brother and a sister and she says these sweet things like that.
Speaker 2:She's very mature for a six-year-old, I feel. But I mean I literally cannot believe I had a baby. I can't. Statistically speaking, we know, at our age I mean, I consider myself somewhat healthy, a healthier person. But once you get into your 40s, I mean even your late 30s, we know, statistically it's a challenge, it's an uphill battle, but again it can happen. Like this I am living proof my very healthy, wild man is living proof that you know there are miracles, there are possibilities, there are options that you just never know how your story will end Like I just I can't believe this is how our family story ended, because I never thought it would and it did, and I'm so proud of it, like I'm so proud that we were able to have this happen to us.
Speaker 2:It just it's a dream and it's a hard, you know, for for so many people for so many years, and you know we experienced that. But you know sounds so cheesy, but dreams can come true and they really do. They really do for a lot of people, in whichever way that dream looks for you. Typically, it's not a word that might be used when speaking of fertility and fertility, the process of starting your family, but I am really proud of what happened to us and what we were through. And me, I'm proud of my body. I'm proud of being able to carry two healthy children, like the older you get and after going through the experience of carrying a child or watching a child be born, it's a miracle every time, no matter if and I have chills like I just think about, like if it happens a million times a day, it's still a miracle every time. And just what our bodies can do, what our hearts and our minds can do, what our families do, like, I'm just so proud to be a mom and to be able to share my experiences.
Speaker 2:I was lucky. I don't know if I want to use the word lucky, probably not the word lucky. I had a lot of women in my life that had done IVF that you know had opened up about their miscarriages, their losses, their struggles, and so I feel like, even with that maybe not talking about being proud of the journey is something we say enough, and I think it's really important that we are able to say that and be loud and vocal about like this is a fight and you know it's not always easy. It's not. You know I'm not 18 years old and you know getting pregnant very easily and it's it's a battle sometimes and you know it's easy to get up.
Speaker 2:It's like like it's easy to. I can see why marriages don't make it at times and I can see, you know, why families change throughout the process and you know we have I have cousins and family members that adopted and you know there's a lot of within my family, different stories and different experiences and and I think that you know, being proud of my story is something I hope to show my children too, and my daughter my experiences with infertility definitely impacted my mental health in many ways. I don't think that anyone can go through these experiences and say it doesn't, and I'm not saying that you have to be, you know, clinically diagnosed with depression or anxiety, but I had lost my brother prior and that was really hard, obviously.
Speaker 3:So after my first loss, that pregnancy was very much looked at, as you know, light coming to our lives at a very dark time already. So experiencing loss after loss after losing my brother was, you know, at times more painful than I thought that I could handle.
Speaker 2:But that is life and we have to keep going and moving and I didn't have an option, you know, and I knew I wanted to keep trying and you know, there were times when my husband would say this is too much, like you know, know it's too much on you, it's too much and it just it didn't feel um like not trying again was ever an option to me. Maybe I would say it, but I never felt it. Um, maybe I would say like this is too hard. Because it felt too hard, um, so I would say my mental health, uh, was definitely impacted in um many ways and not in positive ways. Um, there was a lot of sadness. I mean I remember just you know, after losses, just laying in bed and just it felt like I was in a movie.
Speaker 3:Like you don't want to talk to anyone, you don't want to see anyone, you just want to be in your bed and alone. And I didn't even want my husband to touch me. I just, you know, I wanted to draw the shades and not let anyone in. But you know, we made it through those times and, um, it was hard, it was really hard.
Speaker 2:Another component of, you know, a negative response to my mental health would be, you know, really feeling like my body was betraying me with the losses I had, like I said, three miscarriage, or lost three pregnancies Felt like I was doing everything right, felt like I was living a healthy lifestyle. You know, seeing other women around me having children, having pregnancies, and it just felt like why, why not me? Why am I being punished? Is there something that I am not worthy enough to have children or have a family? And nobody else was putting that in my mind, nobody made me feel that way. It was just me internalizing and trying to rationalize.
Speaker 2:I think you know we do that as people. We just try to find a reason. What's the reason this is happening? And really there is no reason and we can't explain it. I think, with my losses too, there wasn't a genetic test or a physical thing that Dr Shepard or anyone could say. This is what's wrong. Now we're going to work on this, and so your next pregnancy will be different.
Speaker 2:You know, dr Shepard just kept saying it wasn't the right pregnancy, which in some aspects was good, but and also, like I may, find the problem, solve the problem.
Speaker 2:Find the problem, solve the problem and when there's nothing besides, finding the right pregnancy, which I can't have control over, was very difficult for me and my mental health because I couldn't, there was no control and I'm if you know me, you know I like to have control over things and when I don't, I can start to spiral maybe, and so that was another whole piece of it that I just felt like it was just me and my body not working together. Positive things that have come from my experiences are obviously my two beautiful children. I think that through this you really learn who you are as a wife, a mother, a family member, as a woman. I think that I now have gone through these experiences and see other women going through them, and just the experience of birthing a child child to me it just blows your mind like what our bodies can do and how women just show up for each other. You know again when my brother died.
Speaker 3:I think back to the women that were there and never left and I think about this experience too the women that reached out to me, family members, you know I had an aunt that wrote me a letter.
Speaker 3:That was, you know, in her 60s now and said I've never talked about this because it was too hard, but I had a miscarriage and you're going to have a family and I know it's painful, and just the women that just show up for each other and you know God love my husband but you know he didn't know how to be there for me through a lot of it.
Speaker 2:I think and I don't blame him for any means Like it's just. It's just the women that showed up for me, and the women that you know, I mean one of my dear friends, when I experienced, you know, another loss after I had my daughter. I was telling her and she said I will be your surrogate, like, and I said I don't, I never even thought about that. Like, you know, just for someone to say that to you, like I will use my body so you can be a mom again, I mean, like it's just, it's the most beautiful thing to be surrounded by these women that are just so caring, strong. Like you know, my cousins that had gone through IVF and shared their experiences and said the same thing. Like you know, my cousins that had gone through IVF and shared their experiences and said the same thing like, don't give up, don't give up. And you know, were my cheerleaders when I didn't think this was going to happen. So, yeah, I mean, I think my children obviously number one, but just knowing how many people are on my side and, you know, there to fight for me and my family is just a really remarkable experience too. I know some people might not have that and that breaks my heart. I have a really close relationship with a lot of women in my family and it, just, you know, means the absolute world to me.
Speaker 2:Some things that people said to me that I genuinely think people are trying to be helpful and they're trying to be supportive. Um, for me, I again, I had multiple miscarriages, so getting pregnant was never the problem, staying pregnant was the problem. And when you're dealing with that, it doesn't feel good. When someone says, well, at least you can get pregnant, because to me getting pregnant was never the problem, staying pregnant was a problem. And so when someone says, well, at least you can get pregnant, because to me getting pregnant was never the problem, staying pregnant was a problem. And so when someone you know downplays your pain and your loss by saying, well, at least you got pregnant, that's not helpful, because I got pregnant but I don't have a baby and I don't have a child and motherhood is what I want, not pregnancy. And again I think people just, you know, they don't know what to say. And I think anytime you're dealing with something uncomfortable loss, grief. Less is best. I'm sorry. I love you. I'm here for you. Advice is not always needed unless asked for, asked for.
Speaker 2:These kind of journeys complicate relationships even more. I think you know like I joke. I got married older. I was 35 when I got married. I knew my husband for probably I mean a long time, 10 years before we got married. We dated on and off for a long time no-transcript whether it's impacting you right now or down the road. Like these. Things are very difficult to maneuver, they're very difficult to manage, and men and women are very different. Their experiences a man's experience with infertility or fertility problems are is very different than the woman. You know whether they're the very best husband in the world, the various men in the world. They're experiencing something that you're not experiencing and we're experiencing something that they're not, and to mesh this all together can be tricky.
Speaker 4:I am Molly. I am 43 years old. I have twins, boy-girl twins, mila and Ryder, seven years old. They were conceived through IVF. Our infertility journey started really right after we got married. So we got married a little bit later, I was 31. My husband was 30. And we wanted to start trying right away.
Speaker 4:I was diagnosed at 18 with a polycystic ovary syndrome, pcos, and you know it kind of just went to the back of my mind. I was put on birth control. You know, through my 20s I was always on birth control and not until I went off shortly after getting married did we find out. I just didn't ovulate. So we knew we were going to need help pretty early on. So we started our journey right away. So I was put on Clomid. We did that for I don't know eight cycles, way too long Wasn't really doing anything for me. So we needed to really see a specialist at that time, which brought a lot of uncertainty and emotions. But we were ready to jump in. We were. Whatever it was going to take, we were going to do. So I was referred to a fertility clinic here in Columbus and right away we just kind of started doing some tests, seeing my ovarian reserve, kind of what would be our next protocol and we jumped in. So we did four rounds of shots and IUIs None were successful. So after four rounds we, you know, got to that hard decision of it was probably time for IVF. So we jumped right into IVF and you know I would say it was pretty successful.
Speaker 4:For me, you know, being a polycystic patient, my first retrieval I had 34 eggs, which is a lot that's, you know, in the IVF world that's a good, strong number. So we were overjoyed with that. And then, that's really kind of when our journey started to take a turn was after that first egg retrieval. We had some unexpected events that really kind of took myself and, you know, our doctors for a little bit of a loop. I started to react, you know, a little bit different on medications than what they were typically used to. So we kind of went to a plan B.
Speaker 4:After having such a large egg retrieval of 34 eggs, I had something called OHSS where I had a ton of fluid build up in my abdomen and my ovaries and it just wasn't safe for me to transfer those embryos. So that was kind of like our first blow that we were unexpecting. But again, we just kind of buried down and you know we were going through the journey together. So we thought we were going to transfer, you know, some embryos right after that retrieval. Well, we weren't. My body needed some time to recover so we went for a frozen embryo transfer and that's kind of where our journey took probably the most devastating turn.
Speaker 4:So the morning of our frozen embryo transfer I got a phone call and I knew like I'm like this isn't good that I'm getting a call the morning of transfer and it was the embryologist from the lab and they said Molly, we're getting ready for your transfer and we're seeing some concerns with the thawing of your embryos. They're really just, we're not sure really what's going on, but your embryos aren't surviving the thawing process. Probably Um, probably the biggest blow and um, just immediate shock I've ever felt hearing those words. You know like nobody prepared us for that phone call. You know nobody had mentioned this could happen during the thawing procedure. So we were totally caught off guard, um, and I was told we'll call you in an hour, we'll see where this goes.
Speaker 4:At that time I had 13 frozen embryos, which was an amazing amount. You know a lot of people don't start with that many. So we were very grateful for that number and we were confident with that number, like this should probably lead us to a pregnancy. But they called me back in an hour and they said, molly, we're really shocked. We don't again really know what's going on. We don't see this that often, but none of your embryos are surviving the thawing process. And so I just it was just like what does this mean? You know, is our journey over? Right now, right here and then? And then, like I just remember looking up at my husband, and we just looked at each other like well, we didn't expect this. So they said, come on in, when you get here, we'll have an update for you.
Speaker 4:And I just remember, you know, driving there with my husband, we were completely silent. You know, I was just looking out the car window, you know, just looking up to God and just saying, like this is it. We went through all of this and it's been yanked away. But we got there and the embryologist met with us and there wasn't a lot of conversation that day because I think they didn't really know what was going on. They didn't want to say too much, but they just said you know what, molly, we'll move forward with the transfer. We aren't really sure if these embryos are even viable anymore, but you're here, sure if these embryos are even viable anymore, but you're here, so let's just do it.
Speaker 4:So we did it and I knew in my heart that day that it was over. Like I, just I knew those embryos, for whatever reason, were no longer with us. Yeah, they couldn't give me any reasons, they just basically were like start over. We didn't have the means to start over. You know, like we had spent all our money. You know this was it.
Speaker 4:So it was devastating, it really was the biggest blow. And just to not have an answer of what happened, an answer of what happened, you don't, you don't hear the lab fucking up that much. You know, like, um, but we knew, we knew something went down, um, and to this day I know something went down. I didn't need them to tell me something went wrong, but something went wrong, um, so we took some time off. Uh, we really needed to recoup. Um, I knew I wasn't going to give up, but I felt really defeated and again, you know, financially, emotionally, physically, it's like where do we go from here? Like we just did everything we were supposed to do. I had 13 embryos. I had 34 eggs 13 embryos, I had 34 eggs. I had every shot to get pregnant.
Speaker 4:So we took a break. I let myself heal a little bit and then I picked right back up and I said it's time to get a second opinion. We got to go somewhere else. So that's what we did, and I mean thank God we did what we did. And I mean thank God we did. So we met a new doctor and you know I went in with a big binder of my paperwork. I was so prepared and I laid it all out for him and I had notes and you know he's looking through it, you know with it, and I mean his eyes are this big. And he was like Molly, I feel like you were like really mistreated. He was like this is wild to me. He was like why did they do this? Why were you on so much medication? I can't believe you got OHSS. Like none of this is what I would have done.
Speaker 4:And then when we got to the embryos part it was validation he was like Molly, that doesn't just happen in the lab. Like you know, you have to have state-of-the-art technology and be doing things to a T. And the fact that this happened to you. Something was not followed, something happened in error, something happened in there, and he was like, but you know, looking at your numbers and you know looking at your blood work, and he was like, if you're willing to give it another shot, he was like I think you got a fair chance. And he was like our lab, here, stuff like that doesn't happen. And he was like this is unheard of. And he's like, just, you know, have a little faith in me and if you guys can muster up, you know, the strength to do this again, he's like let's do it together.
Speaker 4:So we did, and it was a completely different experience. We decided to move forward with this new clinic, this new doctor. It was a renewed sense of hope that, yeah, we just were defeated, but like we've got this new chance now with this new doctor. And he had a different plan and protocol for us. It felt good. So we moved forward and you know the medications I was taking, the protocol, everything was different and that's you know. It felt good because I felt like this was being tailored to me. You know I wasn't just a number. You know, going through everyone does the same steps. I felt like this doctor really was like Molly, for your you know, your blood work and what you did the previous round, this is what we're going to do different this round. So it felt really good.
Speaker 4:You know, we decided, obviously, to go straight to IVF. There was no sense of kind of doing anything prior to that, we just jumped in full force. So we had an egg retrieval. So, um, we had an egg retrieval and, um, again, I took off some time to, you know, heal recruit, you know my body had been through a lot. So we did another frozen transfer. We didn't do a fresh transfer.
Speaker 4:Um, and everything about that day, um, we were nervous, right, because what we had been through before with the lab, this part of the process, is when things went really south for us. So we went in that day and the embryologist and this doctor sat us down and literally, you know, just looked in our eyes and said Molly, your embryos are thawing beautifully, we see no concern, everything that's supposed to happen is happening. They showed us a picture of our two embryos that we were going to transfer, which I thought was so cool. I just loved seeing a little picture, you know, of those cells. So we went in and we transferred two embryos and we left that day and I looked at my husband and I said something's different about today. I really something's different. I feel good, I feel at ease, you know. And 10 days later, early, when I wasn't supposed to test at home, I did early. When I wasn't supposed to test at home, I did and it's the first positive we've ever gotten and you know I'll remember that moment and second in place in time forever.
Speaker 4:So first transfer with this new doctor and it took, and it took my biggest piece of advice someone going through this journey is you've got to be your own biggest advocate. You know you. You know in your gut when something's wrong or something feels off, you know no one's going to push you and you know be rooting for you as much as yourself. So you do owe it to yourself, to. You know, in something this big, continue to push for yourself. There's so much information and education luckily available now on, you know, ivf, it's okay to do your own research and ask the questions and you know, advocate for yourself. Another thing you know that I think is the biggest piece of advice and you know what I learned from our journey is you know this was nine years ago for me.
Speaker 4:So the social platform, you know, isn't quite, as you know, large as it is now, but I do remember on Instagram I was laying in bed one night and I just happened to put in hashtag IVF and it was like a light bulb went off. It was alarming to me how much information in a community of women and people struggling with infertility have come together on social media. So I just remember that night like it was, like women all across the country and the world in that moment were going through exactly what I was going through and it was like a holy shit moment, like I was so like to find this resource that I did feel alone. You know, none of my girlfriends, none of my sisters, no one really had been down this path with struggling with infertility. So I did feel alone for, you know, a lot of it, until I found this fierce army of women. They were strangers and we were connecting on a very deep level and these strangers were now like my little cheerleaders on the side that were supporting me and we I mean the bond was like instant. I mean we were checking on each other daily. How'd your appointment go? What you know? How are your follicles. When's your transfer? I mean, it was like this sisterhood of women that really was like this tribe that will live with me forever because it honestly helped me through this process more than anything else.
Speaker 4:So just know you're not alone. You're not alone there and I think we're getting better at talking about infertility. You know, you know this podcast and you know a lot of people are getting more comfortable talking to myself, really, for the rest of my life, if I can be an infertility advocate for anyone, you know whether it's one person I want to be that person to help, because it really has changed my life forever. You know I'm nine years outside of it now, but it's never going to leave me. It is such a big piece in my heart that, like I will support anyone anytime, and anything that I can do to just kind of spread a little bit of knowledge or share my journey to inspire others. I'm here for it. Thank you, when you're looking at you know, your inner group of people, right, your friends, your spouse, your family, your coworkers.
Speaker 4:When you're going through this journey, I do recommend, you know, not having to keep to yourself. Talk about it. Let people know what you're going through because it's affecting your whole life, it's affecting your job, it's affecting your relationship with your girlfriends. So the biggest thing that you're going to hear the most is just relax. You know, just maybe when you stop trying it will finally happen. Take a break. You know, just maybe when you stop trying it will finally happen. Take a break. You know those things that people they think they're being supportive, they think those are helpful things. It hurts, it stings, it's almost laughable. But I do give people you know you got to give these people grace because they don't know what you're going through and they think these things that they're saying are helpful, even though they're not. So my, my biggest piece of advice is you know you can show your vulnerable side of what you're going through.
Speaker 4:I remember it was really hard for me because I was in that stage of life where all my friends were getting married and having babies if not on their first baby, their second baby. So everyone's going through the motions and they're moving throughout life and I'm standing still. You know my life isn't moving forward. So I, you know I was kind of in this bitter place of you know for my best friends if you invited me to your baby shower like I was mad at you, like how dare you? But then if you didn't invite me to your baby shower because you were trying to protect me, well, I was even more pissed. So it was like this very challenging point that you're navigating with your friends, so just it's okay to let them know how you're feeling. They're not going to probably get it, but they should know how you're feeling and some of your friends are going to be better about it than others, but you'll know the ones that you can go to. I found a quote that you know it really stuck with me and it was one of those. I really am happy for you, but I'm truly sad for myself too, and I had to say that to myself a lot. Like I am happy that my best friend just got pregnant, but I'm really sad for me still too. And you know, if you're comfortable, you know telling yourself that over and over again, I do think it's going to help you out.
Speaker 4:So our infertility journey impacted my relationship, my marriage with my spouse significantly. I'll say. First and foremost, it created this fierce, fiery bond, like we were in it together, we were going to fight together, and that felt good. You know, it was kind of this new bond, you know, in a newly marriage. But that aside, you know I've had several conversations with my husband that it affected him tremendously because he felt helpless, tremendously because he felt helpless.
Speaker 4:So you know, watching his wife take the burden of this journey, you know, especially physically. And he didn't, you know, being the male, he obviously did not have to go through the physical ailments that I did. That didn't sit with him well, that didn't sit with him well. So also, he was my shot giver, you know, and I think that took a toll on him. You know, just having to do those daily shots multiple times a day, you know it was hard and that was a new territory and feeling for him that he wasn't used to.
Speaker 4:I can say too and we're comfortable talking about it now but he was my safe space during the day. You know, he was my pin cushion, he was supportive and gave me grace. But what I didn't know at the time is, you know, when I would go to bed at night. He was turning to bourbon, so that was his escape and I I didn't know it, but that's what he needed and he was doing it by himself and I feel like that's probably a whole nother episode going down that path. But yeah, so, yeah, I mean you know everybody handles trauma and hard life events differently and you know we got through that. But he, he needed his space and that was kind of his outlet at night and I didn't know. But yeah, I mean it definitely, infertility definitely affected our marriage in different ways.
Speaker 4:But at the end of the day, we were fighting this together and we actually I thought this was my husband is a tattoo enthusiast, he's a tattoo collector. I mean he's 90% covered enthusiast, he's a tattoo collector. I mean he's 90% covered. And I had no tattoos.
Speaker 4:And one day when we were having a rough time, he said let's go, let's go get some type of infertility journey bond tattoo together, let's do it. And I was like let's do it. So you know, he caught up his tattoo artist on a whim and he was like I want to do that, come in right now. So we got it literally says our journey. We both got the same tattoo and it has this beautiful blue bird and that was my first tattoo and I love that day, like it means a lot to me. And we look at our tattoos and we're like we did that together. So I do think that that's a little special part of our journey I do like to share. So, since he was, he doesn't have much room, so that was a challenge. So his is actually at the lower base of his neck Mine's on my ribs mine's on my ribs.
Speaker 5:My name is Simi and I have three children, ages 11, 5, and 4. And you know, my journey started when I was about 36, because that's, you know, when I found the person I wanted to be with and by the time I was 37, we figured we wanted to have kids. And actually the first one was pretty simple. You know, my wife and I decided that we wanted to have children and we found a donor that looked like her, had the same ethnic background as her, had the same interests as her. It was really kind of felt perfect. And we went through an IUI procedure, went through it once and then, three weeks later, tested positive and I was pregnant and, you know, had the baby and it was, it was miraculous and it changed our lives. And then, probably about two, when he was about two, we decided we wanted to do it again and by that time I was like 39 and went through the same process, um, expecting the same kind of results. I don't know why, I should know better. And it was just we didn't get pregnant. And then we do it the next month and it didn't work and and we tried for that for probably about six months, used some clomid didn't work. Um got referred to an infertility specialist. Um, the the drugs got more intense, the the regimens got more intense, um, and the stress levels about it got more intense, right. So, um, it went from like hopeful to, uh, just this weird heartbreak every month when it didn't work.
Speaker 5:Then, you know, we kept on that for probably about, maybe about another year to um tried everything. I mean, just like we used to joke that we were, just like we could have bought like multiple cars and multiple homes with the amount of money we were spending, but it was worth it. I mean, you look at your, you look at your baby and you're like I want him to have a brother or sister. I, you know, I grew up in a big family. I wanted that and it just you couldn't make it happen. And in my life I I don't know, I it was always a thing that if you wanted something and you worked harder, you could just make it happen. And this wasn't like that, and so that was wildly frustrating and it was um just really sad every month. And I didn't, we didn't tell many people we were going through it, um, and so it's isolating a little bit too, because you're kind of going through all of these things. The hormones are hitting you, um, you have a job where you can't really allow that to show not ever and the stress builds and you know it's, it's just hard all around.
Speaker 5:So we went through a few years of that and ultimately decided to work with a center in Colorado. So we flew out and had an evaluation there and, for good or bad they were, they were. They were great, they were great to deal with, but at the end they were just like you, you are not going to be able to use your eggs to have this next baby. And you know, I know, logically, of course, I mean by that time I'm like what? 42? Yeah, but it really it hits you in a weird way because it feels like you failed, I felt, and it's uncomfortable.
Speaker 5:So we went through the process of finding an egg donor and I kind of went through the same process that she did for the sperm donor. I was like, okay, well, this will be my representation in the baby, and how do I define myself baby? And and how do I define myself? What characteristics do I think I want to pass on to my child? And so it was like a really interesting, like psychological exercise to go through, cause you know, at the beginning you think you know I'm this, you know I'm like five, six, I'm Indian, I'm whatever, you know what, all the things that you kind of think define you. And as I was going through the profiles I realized that those weren't the most important things, because you have to really drill down to the core, core elements. I mean it's not like this encyclopedia of people, I mean it's a, it's a pretty narrow group. So I really whittled it down to, I think, the three core values that I really wanted to share with my kids the ability to work hard, the ability to be ambitious. And weirdly, I don't know why, cheekbones were part of it, because my grandmother had high cheekbones and I had high cheekbones and I don't know it was funny, it wasn't being Indian, it wasn't any of the other stuff.
Speaker 5:So we were fortunate enough to get an egg donor, so we were fortunate enough to get an egg donor. But then it feels like, you know, your heart is riding this, this, on this trip, with something you can't control, and I'm very much used to controlling so many things in my world. But you know, you, you have to trust that somebody's going to find the right person, that somebody's going, that they're going to be able to follow the regimen. I mean, it's it's a lot of trust and it's a lot of anxiety and I'm not really an anxious person, but boy during that time probably was. But we're really grateful for this incredibly generous egg donor that we didn't meet. It was all anonymous and through an agency, but she had a great outcome. When we got, we had embryos and then, you know, went to Colorado and had it implanted and had to be successful for both of my daughters.
Speaker 5:So the first one and then, two years later, with this, the second one and I know that sounds like a pretty simple trip the way, uh it it is this real I'm not, I'm not a, I wouldn't say I'm like a terribly emotional person, but boy, I went on a roller coaster of stuff that you just you feel like a failure. You feel like why can't I do it? Everybody else on earth seems to be having babies around the same time you're going through this. Um, when people would tell me to relax, I, it was the worst. It took me probably about, I would say, three or four years before we went down the egg donation route. I just, uh, I feel like I don't know. You have to kind of shake. I had to shake for me the feeling like if I worked harder, if I I used different drugs, if I just did something else different, if I just relaxed the way that people told me to relax, if I just took a vacation, if I just, I don't know, like there there was like no ending to like the number of things people would tell you to do and I would, I would, I'm, I would do it all. Like everything mean, like the intensity of the, the hormones I was on was now, when I reflect back, insane. So you kind of have to come to a feeling of it's okay. I want a baby, I want my family to grow and you know I loved my baby so much and and Belinda loved, like you know, it's our son and I think probably that was the thing that really helped me is that he's her kid Through and through. He like, acts like her, he looks like her, he talks like her, and it is such a joy and I don't see any difference there and I'm like, well, if she has that with him, then of course our baby is going to be similarly attached to us. And they are. I mean, they are incredible, I mean they're feisty and funny and like I couldn't, we couldn't adore them more.
Speaker 5:And I reflect back a lot and I'm like, you know, if I could have my journey be different, if I could, will it differently? I wouldn't, because I don't want any other kids. These are my kids and that's it. And so that's kind of how I think about it. I have a niece and a cousin who have struggled with infertility at different times and I remember they were like, well, would you change it if you could? And now the answer is absolutely not, Like I wouldn't change a single thing. I'm so glad it failed for me because I wouldn't have those two girls, but it's hard to explain until they're like there in your presence and they're so connected to you in every way, Like they're just embedded into your being and that's. It's tough to describe, but I wouldn't change anything and it's interesting to say that when you know there was a point in time in 2017 when I would have done anything To have it work the way it was supposed.
Speaker 5:In my mind at the time it was supposed to work. I couldn't be more thrilled that it didn't. Oh my God, Just relax, Go on vacation. My husband and I went on a three-week cruise and it just worked for us. Why don't you just settle down about it? You're thinking about it too much. That was a favorite.
Speaker 5:I'm, like you know, I'm an ICU doctor. Do you know how much like intense stuff I see and I'm not like. Do you know how much like intense stuff I see and I'm not like a stressed person Like I? I handle stress great, but you it this is different. It hits your body and mind differently and it it kind of preys on, like you know, just those little insecurities Like why can't you have it? Everybody can have it. Everybody in the world's having babies but not you, and that's that's that at the time was really really tough for me. But you know, I don't know there's something about and you know, in your mind at least for me, when my family was complete and I had my, and then that's the other thing. Well, you have your son. You should be thrilled. You're so lucky, and you know, just take it and move on. I don't know. I think there's just a, there's something in your soul that knows when you're finished and I wasn't finished this impacted my mental health by it was.
Speaker 5:It was a quiet way, because you know I'm a very private person and I didn't share the journey with many people, and so it was an intense amount of stress to not allow, you know, allow it to affect me at work and you'd come home and you'd be kind of depressed, in a bad mood, feeling like a failure, and you know it's hard on you, it's hard on your relationship, you know it's, and it was a little bit of a dark phase, I would say, for a couple years. I'm really great at talking to other women who have infertility issues, or because I will say I see them in my life and I and I see them overlooked in ways that I had wouldn't have recognized before. You know a family member who has a miscarriage and everybody's like, well, she'll just try again. I'm like no, no, no, that's not how that goes. So it's this sort of quiet connection you have with people that I wouldn't have had before because I wouldn't have understood it, and the ability to help share my support and thoughts and story with them, so that they don't feel quite so alone, because it is a very isolating experience for sure, and I don't want them to go through that.
Speaker 5:The stigma, you know people say the right things oh, it's going to be okay, It'll be fine. Your family, you know you have one, it's going to be fine. But I think it's a little bit of a self-imposed stigma too, If I reflect back, like people were genuinely supportive they really were. They said the worst kind of stuff, though, and the stuff that would make you spiral into feeling into a bad place, and so I do think reframing and helping people understand the right things to say, the right questions to ask. Like you know, I have a cousin who had gone through it, and you know she's like you're the only person who doesn't ask me if it worked. You're the only person who doesn't, and they understand that. I'm not asking if you're pregnant now after this treatment, not because I don't, I'm not interested, Of course, I'm incredibly interested, but it is very painful every time to look at people and say, not, this time we tried really hard but it didn't work out. This time you say it and you put on a good face and then go home and you feel like crap about it.
Speaker 5:I think it's constant reassurance that they're doing the right things, that everybody's journey is different and it's okay sometimes to shut out all those extra voices that are telling you do this, take a cruise, go on a trip, do whatever that you know, trust yourself, Go through the process that you need to go through, Find the physicians, the teams that you trust and work with them. And that's the most to me, the most important thing, because it kind of tears you down as a person a little bit, and to just rebuild them and kind of give them the confidence that you're doing the right stuff. The fact that you went swimming, you know, didn't change the outcome. The fact that you went on a plane trip and they told you, you know, didn't change the outcome. The fact that you went on a plane trip and they told you, you know, maybe you should wait two weeks and you went on day 13 didn't change the math at all. But the hard thing is when you go through this there's so much you know.
Speaker 5:Obviously there's some like there's clearly like medical structure behind the advice they give, but some of it's just guesswork. Right, you should do this. You shouldn't do that. You should go on a trip? You shouldn't go on a trip. You should drive? You shouldn't drive. You should lay down for 12 hours after the IUI, you shouldn't. I mean.
Speaker 5:I think it's just supporting them and feeling confident in their choices, because every choice you make that doesn't work out racks you with this sort of self-doubt, racks you with boy. What if I had done that? My mom told me to do this and my aunt told me to do this and the lady at the grocery store said this worked for her. You kind of have to shut people out a little bit and just like listen to to yourself and not punish yourself when things don't work out because it's out of your hands, and that's a really hard thing for people who are really used to controlling the environment around them. Right, Like, I'm pretty good at, you know, bringing the weather, changing the mood. You know I adjust a lot of stuff at work and I'm pretty good at that. And so to recognize and accept that this actually has nothing to do with the decisions I make, it sounds easy, but it is really really tough when you're used to being able to command a room.
Speaker 5:And it's hard because you go to people who are well-meaning your doctor, your friends, whatever and they're like well, I did this and you did this, and boy, did you take that trip? I thought you weren't supposed to. I mean, like you can. It just spirals and then the anxiety starts. Then they're like well, don't be anxious. Well, how can I not be anxious? There's no right. Like, if I, if I walk two steps, you told me I should have walked four. If you tell me I should walk and exercise, great. If you tell me I shouldn't walk and exercise, okay. Well, my best advice to people is to stop listening to everybody and just follow what you feel works for you.
Speaker 1:If you've made it to the end of this episode, thank you. And before we wrap, I just want to say to everyone who's listened, shared or reached out during this infertility series you've helped create something so much bigger than a podcast series. You've helped build a community. And guess what? We're not stopping here. We're actually planning an in-person gathering for everyone who shared their story in this series, and we'd love to extend the invite to you too. If this series spoke to you, if you felt connected, inspired or just want to be in the room with some badass humans who've walked this path, you're invited. Shoot me a DM or email the show and we'll get you the details.
Speaker 1:And because community is everything, we're also launching a free Slack channel for anyone going through infertility. This will be a safe space to connect, share, ask questions and just be with others who get it. If you want in, head over to kerrycroftcom and subscribe to the email list. We'll send you everything you need to join that space. And hey, if you want to follow all the things I'm building Total Badass, the Kerry Croft Show, events, coaching you know where to find me Again kerrycroftcom. Sign up, stay connected and be the first to know what's coming next Speaking of next, get ready for May, where we'll take a deep dive into mental health. We're cracking open the conversations that need to be had. If you've got a story to share or feel called to be a part of that series, hit me up. I'd love to hear from you. Thank you for being a part of this and, until next time, keep moving, baby.
