The Keri Croft Show
The Keri Croft Show
Thank Your Setbacks: How Jason Tharp Turned a Stage 4 Diagnosis Into a Second Chance at Life
What do you do when someone tells you you’ve only got seven months to live?
If you’re Jason Tharp, you decide to do the exact opposite of giving up. You strip away the masks, you stop apologizing for who you are, and you start spreading joy in the most unexpected ways.
Jason is an author, artist, and cancer survivor who’s beating the odds every single day. In our chat, he shares how a Stage 4 brain cancer diagnosis became the thing that set him free — from self-loathing, from fear, from living small.
We get into:
⚡ The wild story of firing his doctor after being told he’d be dead in 7 months.
⚡ How he went from 400 pounds to reclaiming his health.
⚡ Why he started leaving handwritten notes of encouragement for strangers.
⚡ And the perspective shift that changed everything: cancer isn’t happening to him, it’s happening through him.
This one’s about survival, sure. But more than that, it’s about choosing to really live.
And Jason — if you’re reading this — thank you for sitting across from me and sharing your story so openly. You filled my cup (and then some), and I know you’ll do the same for everyone who listens.
Hey there you beautiful badass. Welcome to the Keri Croft Show. I'm your host, keri Croft, delivering you stories that get you pumped up and fling like the unstoppable savage that you are. So grab your coffee, put on your game face and let's do this thing, baby. Face and let's do this thing, baby.
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Speaker 1:Yeah, pretty much yeah.
Speaker 2:When did you, when did you do this?
Speaker 1:When I was going through treatment yeah, cause I was going to what happened was I was in treatment and I just was like everybody looks sick but I don't feel sick. So maybe the way to heal myself is that I could start like passing the way I feel on the people, so I would write little notes and it'd be like hey, I see you here every day. I just want you to know that, like you're doing really cool, like you know I just want to let you know.
Speaker 1:I think it sucks that we gotta go through this, but you just kind of inspire me that you're always here and you know all this like that, and I would just I would hand them to people and uh.
Speaker 1:And then I just started like writing them on cards and then leaving them on cars. And then my you know, like my background, I was just like why don't I just turn this into something? And then so I just started making. I just went to Vistaprint, found square cards, just designed them up and then I was making them, just started making them in my house, and then I found, I think through Alibaba or something like that, somebody that made the boxes, and then I just we made I think I initially sold like 800 packs of them and we just I turned my living room into basically a warehouse and just sometimes like I'll just leave a whole deck on somebody's windshield or I'll just leave one on a door, or when I'm at the grocery store I'll have some in my pocket and I'll just throw it in somebody's cart. So the idea is it's like kind of surprise and delight.
Speaker 1:So it kind of takes people where they don't. They're not expecting something, or I'll leave them on, like go to Starbucks, put it on the window like the mirror in the bathroom, so there's like the QR code that'll take people to my site and stuff, so they see the story behind it and like why they're there.
Speaker 2:I'm fascinated that Like during a time you're diagnosed with like was a stage four. Oh yeah, glioblastoma.
Speaker 1:It's bad.
Speaker 2:So so, but it's fascinating to me that you got a diagnosis like that and you're here today, right, so you're, you're beating odds, oh yeah, left and right. So I don't know, does one thing have to do with the other? But like, I just find that to be really incredible. So, jason, yeah, welcome to the Keri Croft show. Thank you, thank you. It is my true honor to be sitting with you.
Speaker 1:It's my pleasure.
Speaker 2:So let's pick one of these. I just want to do a random card. Did you write all these yourself?
Speaker 1:I did.
Speaker 2:Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest. You're doing great. Do one more. All right, I need these today. Can you tell?
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:Here we go. You bring so much joy into the world just by being. You Never forget how amazing you are. Kate, I think you need one of these too, because you had a little rough night. Come over here and let's read one for Kate. Kate had some anxiety last night. This is part of being a part of the show. Nothing is private. Kate had anxiety last night, everybody. Hey, all right, pick it and then read it. You're doing a fantastic job. Life's tough, but you're tougher. Oh right, kate, you're doing a good job, sweetie.
Speaker 1:You are.
Speaker 2:And if I haven't told you lately you're doing such a great job, Am I the reason for your anxiety last night?
Speaker 1:Let's get it out, let's have it out.
Speaker 2:So I have so many questions for you.
Speaker 1:Yes, let's go.
Speaker 2:But let's start with like, what are the most awkward weird things people say to you since you've been diagnosed with cancer? Like, do people just say I mean, they don't know what to say, they feel like they have two left feet?
Speaker 1:The first thing is always I'm sorry, do you?
Speaker 2:hate that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, kind of a little bit, because I always. My reaction always is like, well, don't be because you didn't give it to me, and if you did we should talk OK. But you know, I think that I get it 100 percent. You don't really know what to say when somebody says, yeah, hey, so I was supposed to be dead in seven months, you know, and I'm still here. And or either people don't, you know, because I wear the device in my head, people don't know what it is, so I'll get the random thing because they think I'm going to camelback or they think I'm rucking all time or whatever. And so they'll ask, they'll say, like what is that? Is it a cooling device? And I'm always like, boy, I wish it was and I'll explain it. And they're like like, oh my god, I'm so sorry. And it's like they're embarrassed to ask the question and it's like, no, it's actually really cool technology. And let me tell you about it like and I think that so it's.
Speaker 1:It's not, it's not annoying, it's just more so, like I feel like we're always so afraid to ask questions nowadays because we're worried that we're going to offend somebody, but sometimes asking questions actually builds a bridge to a new friendship or a new whatever, because you never know. I mean because there always is a bridge of something right.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And I think that a lot of times people assume too much that you can't ask questions or you need to apologize for asking questions, or you need to apologize for being curious, but the truth is, is we all actually get to where we want to go by finding the goalposts out there, the people out there that are doing stuff that we would like to do, and it's like for me, it's that's why I make those things, that's why I'm willing to talk to people, it's because that's what I look at, like I am, I am beyond beating odds, like with as far as what I got diagnosed with, and like I don't take a single moment of that for granted. And it's like, you know, I'm still here because there's some work to do and I need to connect and I need to do this because why else would I survive this, you know? And so it's just kind of like it's easy to lean into that side of stuff. So I've learned, really, really importantly, how to kind of thank that setback, you know, for what it revealed in me.
Speaker 1:Like you know, for so long I I really had masks. I had so many masks on. Like you know, I've been with my wife since I was 18. So we've been together longer than not and like guaranteed anybody that knew me prior to diagnosis never, ever knew me, including her and my kids. But now people actually get to meet me and it's like this is all the stuff that I've been holding inside, that I was too afraid to tell everybody about because I was judged by it when I was a kid, I was ridiculed for it, I was bullied a lot because I always felt connected to something different, and so it was like easier to suppress that, whereas, like when all the excuses are stripped away, you can't anymore. Like you kind of unplug from all this stuff and once you see it, you can't un. Like you kind of unplug from all this stuff and once you see it, you can't unsee it.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And so I just run with it now, and so yeah, what's an cause?
Speaker 2:I don't like the. I don't like when people say I'm sorry either.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:So like I've got a completely different struggle that I've had with infertility and so that became sort of this thing where everybody would be like oh, I'm sorry, and it started to piss me off, but then I want to be a part of the solution, right? So what would be something that someone could say to you alternatively to I'm sorry, that would maybe make you feel better, like is there something someone has said where you're like I kind of love.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean, I think the I think the easiest thing would be like is there anything that you can tell me that I could use for my life? That would like help me? Because I mean, you know everybody struggles, you know Kate had anxiety last night, right it's always coming back to Kate.
Speaker 1:We all have stuff, and I think that's the part. It's like. One of the things that I love to tell people is that, like, my goal in life is to wake you up before you have to have a diagnosis like I had, right, so it's easier, I think. So, ok, I'll use this as an example. So whenever I go to like some of these medical conferences and stuff like that, I get to meet all these different you know doctors or you know pharmaceutical companies that are working on cures for cancer. So when I meet people, I'll say stuff like hey, I have brain cancer, I want to live. You got anything for me, right? So you just ask the direct question like how could you help me? Like, do you have a solution that would work in my life?
Speaker 1:And I think that that's much better than I'm sorry, like, because I feel that are we're all of us humans, are are bubbles, right? We're kind of floating around and we all bump into each other. Like you know, this moment we're having right now is never going to repeat. So we're like two bubbles that are going to bounce and sometimes, when bubbles bounce together, they form bigger bubbles or sometimes they pop, right. That's what we get to do every single day as people, we get to bump into other bubbles and see, is there something in this person's story that I could actually use to help me get further where I'm at?
Speaker 1:Because the beauty is that we're all out there floating around trying to figure life out, out there floating around trying to figure life out, and the more we can embrace that and just be vulnerable with it and just say stuff like you know, hey, like you know, boy, cancer sucks. I think that's probably would be the cool part, if people just says that man, that would suck, because there's the acknowledge of like yeah, it does suck. Like you know, it's like my life was completely normal and then all of a sudden, somebody told me I was going to be dead in seven months. Like it was, like there was nothing wrong with me as far as I knew. And then the next day I know I'm, I'm waking up with my shoes off, I peed my pants and I'm in the emergency room and they're telling me that I'm going for MRI and they're going to cut my head open and take out a tumor.
Speaker 2:Like yeah, so we're going to get. We're going to get to that dead in seven months part Um.
Speaker 2:I have some questions for that doctor. No, um, so uh, just bedside manner. But I get, I get it. I get the diagnosis from a high level is like a fatal thing, right, they're like you're you don't want to hear that, but I also get that like no one's God and so like we'll get to that so. But you said something earlier about how your wife never really knew you, your kids never really knew you. You you were masking and so just going back and looking at your story, you had some self-loathing from a very young age.
Speaker 1:Oh, a hundred percent.
Speaker 2:And where did that stem from? What specific thing, or was there one specific thing?
Speaker 1:Oh, there definitely was a lot of specific things. So, like I think for me it kind of started where, when I was little, I always felt like I was connected to something different and then I was kind of pulled into a Christian school, a Christian school, and I was made to seem like there was something wrong with me because I felt connected to something different than what everybody else around me was telling me was the way it was.
Speaker 2:Okay when you say you were, you felt connected to something different. But how does that? How did you articulate that as a child?
Speaker 1:As a kid it was weird because I just knew people I should be around and who I shouldn't be around. I had a really high intuition of like, of emotions like I could really tune into. And I still I'm still that way. Like you know, I cry all the freaking time Like it's just. It's just. I was able to kind of channel into those things and just trust my gut when I was little and and then it just has gotten sharper as I've gotten older.
Speaker 1:And when you're a kid, people think you're crazy because they just call you a weird kid. That's what they do, is they label. They label things they don't understand, you know. And so just knowing when I was little, that I just felt different and I knew, I knew what I wanted to do and what I was going to be really, really early in life and, um, when I would share that with people, people would tell me all the reasons why it would never happen and so, but you knew, I just I just knew it was like.
Speaker 1:You know, when I was like six, my parents bought a VCR. You know, young, young people are going to have to Google that. And I loved Saturday morning cartoons. But I loved the old cartoons like the Woody Woodpecker and Tom and Jerry and all the stuff like that. And so what I would do is set the timer to record them, because those came on super early because by the time we were kids, like they were selling us you know a team and you know Knight Rider and all the. They were licensing us stuff. You know A-Team and you know Knight Rider and all the. They were licensing us stuff like selling us licensed toys. So when they said it early, I would just set the timer to record and I'd go downstairs and I would start the cartoon when my favorite character would come on, I would pause this TV and I would just tape. You know, because you could do that back then because the TV screens were glass. I'd just tape paper across the screen and I would trace the characters. And I didn't know it then and know it now.
Speaker 1:I was teaching myself how to draw yeah and I'm one of my parents I don't know who it was. I'm sure to keep me quiet because I talked all the time just made in passing this comment of like you know, people get paid to do that and I'm like what? And I make cartoons. I was like holy cow, holy cow, that's a job.
Speaker 2:That's what I want to do.
Speaker 1:That's what I want to do.
Speaker 1:I want to be a storyteller Because when I was a kid, Sid Hoff and Shel Silverstein were like my best friends, and they didn't even know it, because that was the first time I saw myself reflected in a story. Because it was like, oh my God, there's this book called by Sid Hoff, who does Danny the Dinosaur and Sammy the Seal, and it's called Stanley. It's about a caveman that is living in a caveman world, but he's obsessed with painting and being creative and he doesn't want to do all the stuff cavemen do. And that was me and I was like, oh my god, this, this guy gets me. So it was like there's people out there that actually understand me. And so it was like the more I saw, the more I leaned into that.
Speaker 1:And then, as you grow up you know, when you grow up and things like that it was like I, you know vividly remember telling my eighth grade guidance counselor when he said what are you gonna do with your life? And I said I'm gonna be a storyteller. He's like you're never gonna amount to anything because all you do is draw all over everything. And it was just like, yeah, I know, and that's what I did. I mean, I did not care where periods and commas and all that bullshit went. All I wanted to do was tell stories.
Speaker 1:I spent all my time as an elementary school in the hallway writing over and over again that I will not talk in class because I would get an idea in my head and I just stand up and start telling you Like I didn't care, like it was just, like it's, it's there, it's got to come out. And so I'm not good with authority, I'm not good with people telling me that I can't do stuff, you know, and all those things. So it's just, it just became like the natural path for me and I don't know if that's where all this stuff has led to like it's hard to explain, but yeah, it was just.
Speaker 2:Do you remember Sister for Sale by Shel Silverstein lane? But yeah, it was just. Do you remember sister for sale by shell silverstein? Oh yeah, sister for sale. Sister for sale one whining crying whatever sister, that that one, oh, I mean, I thought he was like I still have like his books, but yeah, I totally get it. You, it was like you could just like see yourself in these little quips and poems and like it's so, so fantastic.
Speaker 2:So okay. So then you end up you at one time weighed 400 pounds, which is wild to me that the photo of you on your website where you have the happiness as a state of mind and you're, like, looking anything but happy I mean that that tells a story right there. So it was because you didn't feel accepted. You started to eat your feelings. Next thing you know you're 400 pounds.
Speaker 1:Yeah. So I met my wife. I was 175 pounds. Two years later, when she married me which I'm still shocked by I was 400 pounds. Yeah, and what happened was she had like we'd done laundry.
Speaker 1:We were like you know we were poor college kids. So it was like she did laundry, dried, dried my pants, and I couldn't leave the house because I couldn't button them because the cotton, you know, shrinks a little and I think she had to go, we had to go buy to like walmart and buy like some sweatpants so I could leave or something. And uh, it was like just was the rock bottom moment. It was like the embarrassing, like what am I? What have I done to myself?
Speaker 2:so wait, you do that within two years oh yeah so what was the? Was there like a specific thing, like because that's a, that's a pretty? Taco bell no, not, we'll get we'll get. We'll get to the food thing, but like that's a very specific space and time to all of a sudden go from like what? 175, yeah, to 400 pounds. Was there a specific event where you were like I'm just going to start eating all the time like where did you go into a depression Like I?
Speaker 1:just hated myself, like I just really didn't care about anything about me, like it was just like this weird it's hard to explain where I just didn't find any value in me. It was like I kind of lost all hope in like what I was trying to do, cause it was just like it felt like as far as life was going, it felt like no matter how hard I worked or how hard I tried, it just was spinning in mud.
Speaker 1:And there was only so much that I could take and when I've had a lifetime of people telling me all the reasons why I would never succeed at something, it just felt easier to just eat my feelings versus deal with actually do it plus. I mean too, like guys, my age, you know, 49 we don't talk about that stuff like it's we were taught by our parents to suppress because it's easier like it's easier to not deal with your feelings than it is. You know, and you know love my dad to death, but he definitely was not good at like teaching me how to express myself or any of those types of things. It was more like you kind of you know, you kind of man up, so to speak.
Speaker 1:You know, and it's like and yeah and that's, and you, when you play sports, especially at that age, it was like you never complained. It was always about you had the toughest guy. It was like it was so toxic. If you ever said anything, it was just like, yeah, you didn't have feelings, you just kind of like yes sir, no sir, whatever, and just you know, it was always about how tough, can you be?
Speaker 2:yeah, so you started making a run for the border.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, taco bell was taco bell's the best seven layer burritos man, those things will just so, was it?
Speaker 2:was it like, really so you had? Like, what's your wife's name? Becky, becky, I would love I'm. I mean, I'm fascinated at the amount of time, the fact that you are 175 pounds. Next thing you know, she's looking at you and you're four. That is true love, yes, cause I would have been like, look, buddy, you need to either get the jump rope out and some weights, like what the fuck? That's not like 10 pounds, so okay, so how? Like let's just walk, just for my own sick curiosity. Like what were you? Like? Think about, like, your daily routine, like what were you doing to gain that amount of weight?
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean, I actually remember. I want details. You want to know what I would order. Yeah, Like I want to know from the best of your ability. Yeah, what were you doing so?
Speaker 2:from the best of your ability. What were you doing? You had to try.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, I would do so. I was at the time I was working rent to own kind of stuff and I was kind of like the repo guy, yeah. So I drove the truck and would go take people's stuff if they didn't pay their rent and so it was always just sitting on my butt. It wasn't doing like activity, you know, and I would go to taco bell and order like three bean burritos, three soft tacos, nachos, bel grande mexican pizza, the little churro things, and then you know the giant soda, because you know sugar wasn't bad then and uh, and then um tost, and then also the little nachos too.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 1:Yeah. Just to pick up the scraps and you remember how cheap Taco Bell was back then. My total would be like $30 back then. So to people nowadays that don't remember, Taco Bell used to be like $0.49 a taco. It was like nothing and so, yeah, it was just, it was daily and you know, if it wasn't, taco Bell would be like another fast food place and so very much I can identify with when I when you see some of those like obsessed TLC shows and stuff like that of people just kind of going through the drive through and just getting bags and just just eating like crazy.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I can, I can relate to that for sure what else was there during the day, but that was like one sitting that was one setting, yeah and then what else would you do?
Speaker 1:like you're, like, oh, I'm hungry for like, just whatever was around, just you just keep eating stuff candy bars, reese cups, like you know any of that stuff.
Speaker 2:So did becky say anything to you, like let's say like halfway through, like let's say you're getting up to like 250 300? She's like she never said anything no, I mean it was.
Speaker 1:There was never like. I mean there was never like a what are you doing to yourself, kind of thing. I think now definitely would be like. You know, it's like because, like now it's funny, is that because I'm on the stairway? I'm on right now? I mean, we were talking it right before it Water retention.
Speaker 1:I'll be like man, I'm feeling pretty fluffy right now. You're fit. She's like well, your face at least isn't wrinkled. Right now there's no wrinkles in your face. That is more like she's agreeing with me, I think, whereas back then I was so dense to it that and it happened I mean, it obviously happened very quick where, when I was in high school, I was playing baseball and football and I was always active and I went from always active to not and I think there's this weird thing that happens where you kind of forget to look in a mirror and realize that, like whoa dude, like what are you doing, you know?
Speaker 1:and it's like, and I think that was where it kind of forget to look in a mirror and realize that like whoa dude, like what are you doing, you know? And it's like and I think that was where it kind of started, and it was when the pants dried for whatever reason and you can't leave and you hit that rock bottom. That's when it was like oh my god, what did I do? So then I jumped to the extreme of it. I joined world gym that was right over in worthington at the time.
Speaker 1:Those were were like where all of the Arnold guys were working out and I'm like I'm going to jump into that fire because that there will be accountability, because I'm intimidated as hell to go in here because these dudes are all like just jacked, massive guys. And so initially all I did was I just started going to the gym. I just show up, I kind of walk in the door and walk right back out. It's like let's start the habit of just going. And then it was like you know, you re, you have to unlearn and rebuild, right, and that's what I had to do. And you know.
Speaker 1:So, the same, the same effort that I took to go to Taco Bell, I would take to go to the gym. And then eventually I got brave enough to get on the elliptical and you know, back then I took a fedra which that stuff no longer, but it works, yeah, and I would take that crap. And then it was like and then you get results like quickly. It was like the biggest loser, I would be dropping so much weight, the reverse of what I was gaining yeah, I was dropped.
Speaker 1:I was dropping it equally fast. But what I did a little trick mentally, what I I did was I never changed what I wore. I wore the exact same sweatshirt and sweatpants that I started at the gym with. So what ended up happening by the end? I mean, this stuff was just hanging on me and it was just like I refused to buy new clothes because I felt like that's how I knew every time I put them on, that I was making progress. Yeah, because I wasn't weighing myself how I knew every time I'd put them on, that I was making progress.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:You know, because I wasn't weighing myself, I wasn't doing all that stuff like that.
Speaker 2:That's interesting yeah.
Speaker 1:Because I wasn't interested in that part of it for whatever reason.
Speaker 1:It wasn't like the goal wasn't to drop a ton of weight.
Speaker 1:It wasn't until, I think, I hit 100 pounds on my own and I plateaued, and that's when I finally weighed myself and kind of looked at you know what was going on.
Speaker 1:And then I had a couple of those dudes that were in Arnold like come over to me and just say, hey, we've seen you in here all the time doing all this work, congratulations and for whatever reason. Like you know, when I was little for sure, I mean because being a chubby kid and all that stuff like that, like pro wrestlers and bodybuilders and all those guys, that was like they were superheroes. So when you hear this guy, these guys, come over and say that stuff to me, it felt like, ok, cool, I'm doing something right. And then one of the guys was like I told him I plateaued and he offered to do a diet for me and so it was like a six week, his cutting diet that he does, and I followed that thing religiously and then I ended up like for the first time ever my life, getting like abs, and that was like, oh my god like there's stuff there.
Speaker 1:It's like underneath all that fluff that was there and um, you know, now it's just like you know, now the diet's easy because it's survival, so it's it's not. Uh, yeah, yeah, it's so staying fit. Now a piece of cake, because it's just like you know, now the diet's easy because it's survival, so it's it's not, uh, yeah. Yeah, it's so staying fit. Now a piece of cake, because it's like the alternative is way, way worse.
Speaker 2:Is your? Are you super like, just pristine, with what you put in your body?
Speaker 1:Oh, yeah, yeah, big time. Basically, I do a carnivore every day Everything's pasture raised, everything's grass fed, everything's. You know tons of supplements. You know really. You know mindfulness, like spend a lot of time making sure that anything going into my body and my brain is all serving the purpose of survival.
Speaker 2:You say though do you, do you feel like when you were diagnosed that that's the first time you really were able to be like wait a minute and shed kind of this, I mean hatred for yourself? Um, so, in a weird way, this horrible diagnosis sort of broke like, helps you to break free and break through.
Speaker 1:It's so wild well, it's what I think. What it is is like. What happens when everything is stripped away is the real. You gets revealed to yourself and you get to choose. I mean I say when I do keynotes all the time, like I wish I would have paid attention to the awakening when I lost all the weight, but I ignored it completely, 100%, never paid attention to like what was actually involved in there, because the best way I can describe it is when I was a kid, probably around like third, fourth grade.
Speaker 1:I feel like that's when I created two different versions of myself, in addition to the, the main character right, where it's like if you think about, like if you're walking down the road and you have a kid on each hand, and in my right hand was the kid that was the noisy kid, he was the one that was like screaming all the stuff that was insecure about right, you're not good enough, like you're whatever. And then in the left hand was love. It was like all the stuff that I wished that I would have heard, or wished that I would tell myself. And so what I felt like happened during diagnosis was Throughout my life I had been paying so much attention to the kid in the right hand that I let go of the left hand. And when I was diagnosed I felt completely alone, kind of in the woods with this kid, that I didn't want to be around anymore, and I decided to explore and figure out. Where in the hell did the other kid go? And then all of a sudden it was like I found these breadcrumbs and they all led back to this little dude, little broken version of me that was sitting there like going, like hey, man, where you been? I've been looking for you, like you ready to live your life now. And that's where the rebuild started.
Speaker 1:That was where it all began, where I started really diving into writing to that kid, apologizing to that kid, explaining my situation, where I felt like from that perspective of what it felt like to be the kid that was drowning that whole situation, and then writing to it, basically explaining myself like to it. But what was beautiful about that whole process was, during that whole time I learned how to rediscover myself and then I started sharing the story with other people and then hearing that other people felt the same way, you realize that, like holy shit, all the stuff that I was afraid of is the thing that has set me free. And and then I try to explain to people. Now it's like you know, there's a good chance that everything that you want in life is hidden behind all the stuff you're afraid to face. But if you just face it and I think, more importantly, like, ask a better question, that's the big one is, like you know, instead of why is this happening to me? Like, what is this version of me that's trying to come out of this? You'd be surprised. On like what you've, what you'll see is everything you've been looking for. Like you're searching for something that everybody thinks it's out there, like they're all. Everybody wants to go on a vision quest and go out and find, you know, go ride the snake and they want to go drink the teas and they want to go do it, but it's not out there. Like you're going to find, even when you go do all that stuff you didn't go anywhere. Like it's all inside. You know, and basically what I did was I did a trip with myself where I really sat down and got tough, tough questions. You know with myself Stuff I didn't want to talk about, stuff I didn't want, you know, stuff that I was like you know, nobody gives a shit about that.
Speaker 1:Like you know, it was at one point in time to an extent when I would go to a school and do school visits, you know, and there's there's lots of kids there where I would have some moments with kids, that I would be talking to kids in the classroom. And I remember a couple of times where I was at a school, one in particular where this teacher asked me to come talk to this young girl and I went into her room and was talking with her and she was really into drawing and what she was explaining. The teacher was explaining what she does. That's what I did when I was a kid. So I sat down with her and I was like you know, do you draw to forget? She's like yeah, I'm like oh, I said isn't it cool that you can make up any world that you want? And I said do you ever feel like you actually go into your page, like when you draw? And she just kind of shook her head yes. And then there was like recess and she like hugged me and the teachers were crying and I'm like what's the deal? Recess? And she like hugged me and the teachers were crying and I'm like what? What's the deal she goes.
Speaker 1:She hasn't talked to anybody for six months because her mom just left one night and like she's just stuck with her dad and like the dad's desperate because he can't figure out how to connect with her. You know all this like that. And she's like not only did you get her to talk to you, she actually communicated with you. That's the first time she's ever done that. Well, that's wonderful, right? That's that weird gift that I feel like I've always had. But then that version of me would get in the car and say nobody gives a shit. Like they just tell you that stuff to make you feel good about yourself that it was never allowing myself to have any wins. So it was just like it was much easier to do that than it was to accept the fact that like wow, I'm actually good at this stuff.
Speaker 2:You call that your foe.
Speaker 1:Oh, a hundred percent, yeah, and that's the stuff that I feel like kind of that's what the brain tumor had to do to eradicate for my life. And that's where I say thank your setback. Like it's like like without that I wouldn't be who I am today and that's what I'm so grateful for. Um, and you know, and that's the mission now is to to explain that to everybody else and help other people wake up to life. Like it's. You know, I don't.
Speaker 1:I don't necessarily want to be a guru and like I'm, I need to learn how to teach everybody. Like this is the stuff I've learned. It's not as easy because, truth be told, it's not easy to do. It's easy for me to explain, but the real work it's not easy to do. You got to really want to change and I think that was the part was I don't think I ever wanted to change until it was forced on me, same as the weight stuff, right. Like it's amazing what you'll do when nothing is around and you are trying to figure out how to survive life. You know, and you have nothing to blame anymore. Like it's. Like you know, the doctor told me that there's no genetic things that say whether or not you're going to get a glioblastoma.
Speaker 1:And I remember thinking I, I hate that comment Because the first thing, you see, is everybody always puts that F cancer on everything right, and I would see that when I was first diagnosed and I just was like, no, that is, I will never, ever, ever wear a shirt that says that. And of course, when I got I got everybody give me those shirts and, like you know, hate to spoil everybody's thing I donated all of them because it was just like when the doctor told me that I thought, oh, and I remember going into my oncologist. The second one, the first one got fired immediately, but the second one, my new one, he's amazing. And I told him I said you know, I really hate that idea of fighting cancer. And he was just like well, what do you mean? I said, well, you told me that there's no genetic markers, which means I made it. And if I made it I also could be the person that makes sure it doesn't come back. And I said so.
Speaker 1:When you're saying that I ought to wake up every day and fight cancer, that means I need to wake up every day and fight myself. I've been doing that my whole life. I said that's all I've done. I said, instead I'm choosing to live now. I've never done that and I'm like now we'll see what happens. And that shifted everything. It was like once I really bought into that part, because the addictive part I'm sure I have, because once I decide I'm all in on something, I'm all in on something, there's no kind of like. Yeah, let's see, you know, it's like no once. Once the vision, kind of you know, clicks and I, and more importantly, once my like, the feeling of it clicks, then it's like I'm all in, like I can't unsee it and I just run that way and just keep going. So, yeah, I think that's the core of it.
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Speaker 1:Oh, 100%. Yeah, Oddly enough, I used to be working. Another weird story about that would I would be working in my office. I have a studio much like this where I used to be working. Another weird story about that would I would be working in my office. I had a studio much like this where I would be like working and stuff, and um, funny thing is I'd never had headaches before. And there's another funny thing even after, I've literally never had a headache in the four years since all of this. And you would think I would, but I've never had one yet. Um, which I hope to never get. And um, but I would be, I was working and I would text Becky and I would say like hey, have you ever had a cause?
Speaker 1:She gets headaches. And I'm like you ever had a headache where it felt like somebody stuck a screwdriver in your head and pulled it out real quick and she's like well, not really, but maybe like a quick little tension headache or something like that, and I was like, oh Well, what I didn't tell her or anybody else was I would obsess for like hours while I was working of like holy shit, there's a tumor growing there. And that's exactly where the tumor was, was in that spot and I would just obsess over it, like, and it was just like and you know, if I'm somebody that I think about, I bring about right and that's definitely where I buy into like I think there is, there is a plausible answer that, like I, probably I could have, becky and I have a theory of. There's two things that could have happened is like one when I started healing myself, I started shrinking the tumor and then the seizure and all that stuff, like that was what needed to happen in order for it to get out of me. Or like I created it the whole time.
Speaker 1:Like it's the only other thing I could think of, because I, you know, I believe that stuff is true. For sure.
Speaker 2:Yeah, let's talk about this doctor yeah so he was fired, or why do I always think it's a he?
Speaker 1:it was a she she?
Speaker 2:yes, see, I was wrong yeah so she was fired by me me, oh, by you.
Speaker 1:By me. No, no, no, not by you.
Speaker 2:Okay, I was going to say, because I feel like there's a balance of like being honest about a prognosis but also delivering it. In a way, I just I mean, I can't imagine having to deliver that message, so I'm going to say that and give that person some grace. But, man, is there some schooling? Is there something we can add to the like? The bedside manner? Tell me about that.
Speaker 1:Well. So it was weird because you know, I don't know if it's everybody's case, but like with at least with mine, like I had, I had the surgery, and then it was like six weeks later before I still didn't know what it was, and so you kind of go on back between like well, technically it's cut out, so I don't have whatever it was, and you're trying not to think that it was cancer. And before I went to the oncologist it was like and then, on top of I should add to that, the insurance company denied all my coverage, so like it was not only going through surgery, five minutes before I went into surgery the doctor came in and said hey, just want to let you know your insurance company's denying it, but we're doing it anyway because we're confident we can get it all and we'll deal with it later.
Speaker 2:I'm like okay great.
Speaker 1:I'm high as a kite on all this stuff anyway. So I didn't even know what was happening. So I'm like awesome, like let's do it. And um, so six weeks later I finally get into um this oncologist, and luckily I had my first appointment with my radiation oncologist first and he was awesome. And so you kind of think, okay, this is going to be great. And he was awesome. And so you kind of think, okay, this is going to be great.
Speaker 1:Then I go down to the neuro-oncologist and it was like they, they got the test results in front of me rather than doing the million things they could have done. Hey, I need to step out for a second, I need to whatever. They started reading it in front of me and she goes boy, this is bad. They started reading it in front of me and she goes boy, this is bad. And I go okay. Now, mind you, I don't even know what the hell this is.
Speaker 1:She goes well, it's stage four or grade four, sorry, and glial by stone as they go by grades.
Speaker 1:It was grade four and I said, oh, okay, and I'm I tip typically use lean towards levity to kind of make it better. I was like, oh, rocky IV is the best Rocky movie and she's like Sylvester Stallone's a horrible actor, and I'm like Jesus, okay. And then it was like then there was a couple other things that was said and I said but you know, I said here's the thing though I'm like you're using stats from the beginning of time, like that doesn't mean anything to me, like because to me I'm me, like I'm not any of those things that are on, all of those things that you're putting together. And then she just jumps straight to like I don't think you understand, you're going to be dead in seven months, and then looks at Becky and says and you're going to have to figure out what your limit is, because eventually he'll end up like kind of pooping and peeing on himself and all that stuff like that, and you're going to have to understand how much you want to put up with.
Speaker 2:Did Becky say I watched this man gain? I'm still back on. Hey, forget about the cancer. I'm still back on the weight gauge. She's like honey, I can do anything.
Speaker 1:What the fuck? Yeah, so then she finally realizes that she shook me a little bit right, and she kind of put her hand on my knee and said, like, do you need me to step out? And I, and I said I said are you going to come back? A different fucking person? And she goes well, I'm trying to be thorough. I said no. I said you are an asshole. I said so you just need to dump it.
Speaker 1:I said here's the beauty part of it. I said I have really strong shoulders so you clearly have had a crappy day. I said so you can dump all your problems on me. I said because I will never see you again, and like, so if you feel the need, dump it, leave it and go. And and then it was just like, kept sick, sorry, excuse me, kept saying like I want, you know I'm no, I'm trying to be, I'm like, no, no, no, like, you don't have to keep digging. Like, I'm, like, I'm, I mean it, like, we're done, like, but I, you know, and you know the beauty of it is is that she's gonna have to review the MRIs too, and so I knew that I was going to be okay, like, and it's like, so you kind of go all right. Well, like you'll see and um. But I mean it didn't change the fact that every time I went into an appointment I was always afraid that I would run, you know, cross paths or whatever.
Speaker 2:But I guess, though I know we're all human and I know that some doctors I mean some doctors are just doing their doctoring thing they don't have. They're so smart on one end which you want that Right they just don't have the capacity, but that is just a lack of humanity. Yes, I want to punch this person, you might. I'm seriously like a dark alley type shit yeah, I'll tell you.
Speaker 1:So let me put a good, a good spin on it now too. So, so, as you can imagine, during the whole thing she says to me she's trying to go through all the stuff and then she goes well, there's this thing called optune, which is the device I wear, and she goes, but I wouldn't wear this thing called Optune, which is the device I wear, and she goes, but I wouldn't wear it because you have to shave your head. And I said, why would I care what you're going to do? I'm like, and besides, I'm already bald. So, like steps solved, you know, and so finally ended up leaving, and then so I don't sleep, you know, this whole time, and then on top of the fact that, like my two boys, like one's off to college and one's in the house, so I can't tell them separate from each other, and the younger of the two of them, he and I, are close, so it's like we're I'm seeing him, and it was like I had never, I'm pretty sure growing up. Depression was normal, like I. Just it was like kind of home base, but I didn't know what anxiety was, definitely didn't know what panic attacks were, and so every time I'd see him. I'd be like Becky, we got to walk and we would just walk. I don't know how many miles we probably walked that first week, but the first like four days I didn't sleep. And then the radiation oncologist I told you about that was awesome.
Speaker 1:By Thursday I hadn't slept still and I just called and talked to his fellow and explained that I wanted a second opinion. And he called me back and explained to me all the reasons why that was stupid. And I agreed and I said that's not really why I was calling. I was kind of I felt like I need to tell you a little bit about what was said after our meeting and he was like you've got to be kidding me. And I was like no, and so we're doing what I think most people do is try to escape.
Speaker 1:So that weekend we went to all these different friends' houses and on Sunday we were at my friend's house he and his wife and Becky and I and trying to escape the whole thing and my phone's ringing. I look down, it's Ohio State Medical Center. And I was like oh damn, they're not calling with good news on Sunday. And I answer it and it was my radiation oncologist and he said do you have a minute. I was like sure. And he said first thing I need to do is I need you to breathe. And he said first thing I need to do is I need you to breathe, because I don't believe it.
Speaker 1:And this amazing human spent an hour and a half on the phone with me, explaining to me why he became a doctor, why he felt my case was different, and told me that he thought that I was going to be okay. And here I am on a bike path at Buckeye Lake I'm sure they're Becky and my friends are watching, thinking I'm having a breakdown because I'm literally on my knees sobbing, and I told him I was like I don't know why you called me today, but I said you saved my life. I was like I will be the best patient you have ever seen and it was like that's where all this stuff came from. It was just like if I can go and be a light for somebody else in this worst shit that I have gone through, then this is going to save me. And I have good people around me now and I am allowed to be me finally around good people, and it's like that little moment of humanity and empathy that he showed me it let go.
Speaker 1:So in a weird way, the shitty doctor, she did me a huge favor because that whole week, all of the trauma I had held in my whole life, was choking me. I mean, it was literally around my throat. His phone call released it. I felt it leave me, and it was just like you know, it was like when they talk about when you're going through trauma and it feels like something reaches in you and rips it out. That's what. That's what it felt like, was just this like you know, and it's like one of I can tell you.
Speaker 1:I mean, if you want to go into the weird, unexplainable stories that I've been through, that proved to me that I'm going to be okay, I'm happy to go there with. You'll probably start crying on a couple of them, but they're good, that's always my goal.
Speaker 2:You just gave me a softball let's go go deep.
Speaker 1:I have always had an affinity for the Foo Fighters song Walk and it's always been kind of like my lifeline. Anytime shit's falling apart if I listen to that song and the line where he talks about I never want to die like that. That hook and it's really like, was always been my lifeline. So the last day of treatment, you know, I've I've had friends. I mean, that's the part it's like radiation six, it's six weeks, every single day. So you had different friends taking me and all this stuff like that. And then the last day becky's gonna take me and so we get. We get there and and she's not a huge foo fighter fan as I am, but I go get the mail and I get back in the car and she had put it on like the apple foo fighters radio or whatever. And um, I was like, oh, that's really cool. And then when we got to the james and we pulled in, she goes to take the ticket and as literally as soon as she takes the ticket out, it switches to walk. And I go, holy shit, did you do that? She's like why would I do that to you? And I'm like I don't know and I was like we have to hurry up and get out of the car. And then this was during COVID was when I was going through all my stuff and you would just go and get a mask and go get radiation, like, but for whatever reason that day there was like a little mini symphony in the lobby. Well, like, my son plays bassoon at ohio state, so it's like he he's in a symphony. So it was kind of like at the time it was like this is, this is kind of trippy. And and then there was a couple nurses that had found me on instagram, that had a couple cards and they realized it was my last day of treatment and they gave me like some cards, right. So it was just like these weird little things kind of lined up.
Speaker 1:And then um, becky, um, that next week said we're gonna go on a trip, just pack bag. And she's not a huge surprise person, so it was kind of weird. And then she like so we go pack bags. She's like just get in the car, we're going to drive, and we're driving. Because that's the unfortunate part about having seizures you can't drive for six months. So I have no choice. I got to get in the car and I got to go wherever people take me. You know, it's like that's what I'm doing right now. It's like my, my rides are all asking my 18 year old now hey, can you give me a ride to the store? And so we're, we're driving and I still don't have a clue where we're going.
Speaker 1:And then we get off at the exit for Asheville, north Carolina, and I was like, oh, wow, cool, like we're going to go to Asheville. She's like, yeah, and we had talked about going there, you know driving to Florida and stuff like that with over the years, with the boys and stuff, and just never had went. And what we did not know about Asheville is that it's like a brewery per person. Like we didn't know it was just a beer town and so, like I'm not drinking, so becky out of you know, just solidarities is not drinking either, and so there's nothing to do. And we were sitting there going like, well, we could just go sit in a bar and get some water. He's like what fun is that? Like just to sit and watch people have beers. But uh, so we ended up. She's like there's arbrium. I don't know if I'm saying that correct or not, but like, is it arbrium? I think it is yeah, I don't.
Speaker 2:You're asking the wrong.
Speaker 1:We know what you mean okay, so the guy that uh did the biltmore, all the landscaping right, and she's like, well, that's open to like eight. Do you want to go to do that? Like sure, so we go do that, pay our toll to get in there, and then uh, park and there's like a handful of cars in a parking lot and so we go through it and it's, I think, around that time was October, november, yeah, so it's getting dark earlier and we're in a mountain, so it gets a little colder, right. So by the time we're walking through there, we both noticed that there's nobody working in this place and it was just really, really weird. It was like there's, there's nobody, nobody working, and by the time we get to the back of it it's pitch black, like I'm talking, like you can't even see your hand in front of your face. And when we like looked around, there was like one strand of christmas lights and I'm like maybe that's the way out. So we walk over that way and there's like that classic like three, like you know, column of high trees with the you know, the sidewalk down the middle of them, and so we're walking down the far right when we get about halfway and all of a sudden this voice goes isn't it a wonderful night? And I like kind of turn and look at becky and she looks at me and I'm like what? What was that, I don't know.
Speaker 1:So we get to the end and this like little lady comes out of nowhere and it's moonlight, like so she's got this kind of wild hair, like kind of like curly hair all over, and she goes. She goes isn't it an awesome night? And I'm like yeah, it's a little cold. And she's like I'm just out here grounding and I go huh. And then she goes into this whole thing about brain radiation and she's talking to me about brain radiation and all that stuff like that.
Speaker 1:And in mid story she goes I should probably stop and tell you that I'm going to be okay and I you know I'm getting goosebumps now retelling it, but like it's, you know, you sit there and go like holy shit, like what is this, you know? And? And so she's keeps talking. And then she gets a little nutty with some of the stuff she says and I said it's really weird that you talked about brain radiation. I said I just finished last week and she just goes oh, then you know what I'm talking about. And she turns and skips off into the woods and I'm like, so we're walking out and I said, look at Becky, I go. Did that really happen? Like if you were alone you'd question your sanity.
Speaker 1:I would have thought I was nuts, like yeah, it would have definitely been like no way. But she was with me and I just asked her last week. I was like that really did happen, right. I don't want to like go on a podcast and talk about this stuff and it was bullshit, she goes. No, it definitely happened. So you would think that when you would get because Because we're way away from people, right that there'd be at least another car in the parking lot, but when we got to the parking lot, it was just our car. That was it. So this person or thing or whatever just disappeared, right. And so it's like one of those things where I've had so many of those unexplainable things happen that not going all in on sharing this story would be wrong on so many levels.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Because it's like, I mean, I feel like in a weird way, that there was, there's a reason why I'm still here, that I'm uncovering. Still, you know, like what it is and you know, and I think that there's definitely something at play. You know, it feels like it at least, and you know, but yeah, I, I think that I don't know. It's just. I think people have that happen to them all the time in their life, but we ignore it. I definitely know that that was what I ignored. All my whole life was is having those moments where I would have that idea, not some person show up tell me what I was doing, but it would happen in my head of like just this intuition of like this is what you're supposed to be doing, yeah, but when I was little it was, it was a bad thing, you know.
Speaker 2:So now it's just like well, no, it's not a bad thing, now it's this is like confirmation, kind of thing well, you're saying cancer is happening through you yeah, not to you, and that when I read that I was like holy shit yeah that's just that, that one little tweak yeah of one tiny word yeah means so much.
Speaker 1:It's happening through you yeah, I mean it's, it's revealing stuff to you. It's you know. It's like if you took out a piece of paper and you wrote down everything that ever happened to you in your life every flaw, every you know bullshit story you've told yourself about yourself, every whatever. You wrote it all down and you really had that full list in front of you and people could do this right. And you looked at that and realized that you survived all of that. And you're going to tell me that you can't do hard stuff Like it doesn't make sense. So when hard stuff happens, realize it's not happening to you, it's happening through you. It's part of who you are, it's just part of your story and we all have.
Speaker 1:Probably one of the shittiest things about being human is good and bad days are completely normal. We all want good days, but bad days are just as normal as good days and the more that we can understand that, like just because you have bad days doesn't make you a bad person or a terrible person, or just because you make mistakes doesn't mean you are a mistake, you know. It just means that you're human and you just need to be graceful for yourself and realize that, like you're not doing anything wrong, like everybody is navigating this thing that we don't know what the hell the end of it is.
Speaker 2:So let's talk about, like, the reality of the situation now. So you were diagnosed in 2021, according to this bee that I'm going you know, I'm going to take her down. According to her, you're dead in seven months. It is now how many years I mean you I'm over four now so that is insane it's insane, yeah the tumor is completely gone yep, well the spot.
Speaker 1:So I've had. So I had a small reoccurrence in october so I had a lit procedure. It just basically the exact same tumor, just moved a little bit forward. So I had another procedure and I've been dealing with like inflammation from that since, and so for people that don't know, like a lip procedure is basically like kind of like a biopsy, but a little different, where they go and actually put a laser in my head and cook it from the inside out. Essentially is what they did. And then I had radiation after that and so from the radiation you get inflammation, so edemia, it's like fluid on the brain basically, um, and so you control it through like steroids.
Speaker 1:So that's what we've been trying to do is get it down so that way I can go to unc for a CAR T therapy trial. So we've been trying to get it down and every time we get it down it kind of spikes back up, so it's like it's right. Like today I have another MRI at 3 o'clock, so you know it's always a full time job.
Speaker 1:It's a full time job. Yeah, I mean, it is a. You know, survival of this is not something to take light. I mean it's not. You know, I get a lot of messages from people, as you could probably imagine, of you know, what do you do? And I'm like, well, like I don't know, and I have things like do you eat sugar? Do you drink, do you, you know? And I'm like, yeah, and I'm like, can you get rid of all that? And they're like can you get rid of all that? And they're like probably not. And I'm like I don't know what to tell you because those are all the things that are feeding this thing. So you've got to figure it out. Like what's more important, you know, and I think that that's the unfortunately, like it's one of those things where, you know, with this diagnosis, you see a side of People like I really why I don't take it for granted is because there are plenty of people that have had this diagnosis that are walking with canes. They're, you know, they are having trouble like functioning.
Speaker 1:I don't have any of those issues, I mean you know, I still go to the gym and I still heave heavy weight and I still do all the stuff that I did before. Now I don't know if that was just sheer, like I'm not letting this thing define me and I'm going to push through it, kind of stuff, or if it really was. You know where I'm at, where you know the. The beauty is where the tumor was and it's not near like any motor skill stuff, so it's kind of in a safe zone, so to speak. Even the new spot is kind of in a safe zone, so to speak. Even the new spot is kind of in a safe zone.
Speaker 1:The only part that sucks about it is the inflammation is sitting on where your emotional center is for your brain and executive function. So like I really like irrational thoughts, like all that crap. So it was the first time where I had like panic attack again. You know, since this like it was, like you know since the first doc like this was the first time that I had dealt with that. And you know when. You know I was told seven months. This happened when my youngest kid was in eighth grade. So you know graduation was, was like the goal. I'm going to see him graduate.
Speaker 1:That was like you know and on paper, everywhere you look, there's nobody saying that that's going to see him graduate. That was like you know. And on paper, everywhere you look, there's nobody saying that that's going to happen. And so funny enough was he just graduated. It wasn't may or whatever. And um, literally a week before to the day, I was at the gym and I all of a sudden started seeing um, oris, and that's the sign of a seizure, and like, and I didn't know it because I never had any side effects yet, and so, um, I ended up having a seizure at the gym, not the same, but more.
Speaker 1:I have a focal was what they would call it like, where it kind of like if you remember those like little kaleidoscopes you look through as a kid it looks like dancing snakes, so like, if you know, it's like everything's sparkly and glittery. That's when I know stuff's about to go sideways. And and I had that like a week before and it was amazing, after all of this mental training I've been doing for four years, I literally went straight to all I have to do is live till Friday because he graduates Friday. And then I thought, literally thought I was going to die Friday night and ruin everything from him, and it was like, then I had to deal with that shit. And then it was like and so you're.
Speaker 1:It is a constant like, just when you think you own it, it reminds you kind of thing. And I think it's a great analogy for our lives. It's like we just don't realize it. Like, just when you think you own stuff, it'll. You know.
Speaker 1:I always say that what it feels like is like. If you can imagine like you're sitting and staring forward and you see these creepy hands kind of sneak up behind you and they just kind of come in your peripheral and they cover your eyes and they just kind of whisper guess who that's? Fear, that's all it is. Our lives are made up of love and fear. Period, end of story. And that's what fear does to us. Is it it the trauma or whatever it is will sneak up behind us and it'll cover our eyes and just remind us.
Speaker 1:But if we realize that all of this, the shit we've been through, prepares us for that moment. And it was like you know, and I had a really good friend of mine, we were walking through the grocery store and he just he made this comment to me he's like, he's like, dude, get over yourself. And I was kind of like what? And he goes, he was friday's a period for him. It's just a comma for you. You have to keep writing. And it's like, and all of a sudden it just clicked. It was like, oh okay, I get you.
Speaker 2:But you put so much mental. That was like your you know, it's like. I mean I can, only I have irrational fears all the time. I can't imagine the irrational fears that you have. Oh, yeah, it's insane. Yeah, let's go have people reaching out to you who have been diagnosed with various forms of cancer or whatever and you say to them, could you give up alcohol or sugar? And they're just still like I don't know if I can like. Isn't that insane? The grip oh the.
Speaker 1:I think the thing that is the craziest part to me was going into radiation and you're going, I'm going, walking into the james and the amount of people smoking oh, oh, right Just all down through. I mean everybody's smoking.
Speaker 2:I'm like really.
Speaker 1:You're outside the cancer hospital. It's been proven Cigarettes cause cancer. But people just puffing away like crazy and the vape pens and all that stuff like that, and you're like the vape pens and all that stuff like that and you're like you're, it's like this, it's wild, like do they say that cancer and like so sugar in general for any kind of cancer?
Speaker 1:That's what they say. You know, I don't I don't really know too much about other ones Like I just really kind of there's there's lots of doctors out there that do research on. The unfortunate part of it is that there's not a lot of research on our diet, how it affects it. But there are some doctors out there for GBMs which is what I had that do research on all of those things. In particular, gbms, they kind of feed off of glucose and glutamine. Those are the two big things. So I can suppress glucose by not, you know, eating. You know, like if I, if I, were to take some sort of glucose suppressant, it might cause harm to the rest of my body.
Speaker 1:So, like I can't really do that, Um, but I can eliminate sugars, you know, and that's that's why I don't, you know, I would love, I mean, I would love to slay some Taco Bell. Well, my next question is going to be like, do you?
Speaker 2:still, you're like God damn it.
Speaker 1:I really would love to have like a like I still, I will have those moments where I'm like we'll go out to dinner and I'm like, okay, I'm just one bite, it's not going to kill me. You kind of like you get to the point where you go like man, you have to enjoy life. I still have to enjoy life. I can't just like always, you know. But there's so many good alternatives now. Like that I wish were around when I was 400 pounds.
Speaker 1:like Rebel Ice Cream, like I don't know who invented that stuff, but that stuff is like glorious because it is ice cream you know, but yeah, no, I think that you know if people would understand that, like the stuff we put in your body it's feeding your body and if you do have something like cancer in there, you're feeding that too. Like it's not like all of a sudden, like it just vanishes. You know, it's like you got to kind of take care of all your stuff, like you know whether it's just like.
Speaker 1:You know whether or not you're going to go to the gym or you're going to work on therapy or you're going to do whatever. Understand all of it affects the whole Like, and I think that you know something as simple as like just a walk. You know like it's. You know writing letters to yourself, like the stuff that you actually get out of that it's, it's so healing and it'll set you free, like literally set you free. And I think that's the thing that, if I were to sum up a lot of what I think a majority of the messages are that I get it's from people that feel stuck, like how did you unstuck yourself?
Speaker 1:It's from people that feel stuck, Like how did you unstuck yourself? And I'm like, well, you know, like I took everything that I felt and I flipped it on its head.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And it's like you know, in a weird way you like you do have to thank all of that stuff. Like the thing about this tumor that took a while to understand was how I can hate this thing so much but I can be so grateful for it at the exact same time, because without it, I'm telling you like you wouldn't be like why am I talking to this guy right now? But because of it I can totally feel the vibe going back and forth between us. Yep, that's feeling. That's what I've always felt my whole life, but I thought it was wrong. I don't feel that anymore and that's what connects people now.
Speaker 1:Like that's what brings people into your orbit. And the funniest damn thing is that what I would tell your people listening is that, like, everything that you're judging yourself on is exactly what somebody else that's stuck needs to get through their shit. And instead of you thinking it's a bad thing, be brave enough to share it with your neighbor or tell somebody hey, this is what I'm struggling with. Like, do you have anything that could help me with it? Have you ever dealt with that? Like those little things, like that even the person in the grocery line in front of you like you could make some little off comment about. Like, like their shoes. Tell them, for Christ's sake, spread joy and let people know that they're like.
Speaker 1:You know, we were leaving in Kroger last night and there was a girl in front and I had never seen somebody do this before. She was like probably like 17. She went out of her way to tell the girl next to her that she was pretty and that girl got this huge grin on her face. Now I will say this girl had some funky pants on, so she was owning her quirkiness, and I looked at her and, go like man, that's inspiring. Like to be able to do that and not worry about, because think about most people would be like God I don't want her to think I'm thinking weird, like you know, whatever, whatever. She just was like you're really pretty and this girl it just made her day. You could see it and you could feel it. And I think that if people leaned into that stuff we would the world would be different right now you know, um, so I love it.
Speaker 2:I need one of those hats.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, this is my logo. Yeah, I love it.
Speaker 2:It's really great.
Speaker 1:Awesome, thank you, you have filled my cup. And then some. No, seriously, I mean, this is fascinating, this is awesome. This has been a blast and I really appreciate you. I could do this stuff all day long, you can come back.
Speaker 2:Yeah, if you're still out there following your girl, follow me on YouTube, spotify, apple or wherever you get your podcasts. And until next time, go follow Jason. I'm gonna kick that one.
